Dollop 50 – It Might Sound Crazy What I’m About To say

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My housemate Ben works as a music technology teacher. He is currently at home as it’s half term, and is marking the student’s work, which is a rock & roll pastiche of Happy by Pharrell Williams. For the last two days I’ve heard hours and hours of rock – roll versions of this one song. The students aren’t allowed to use real instruments, as it’s testing their keyboard arranging skills, and so I’ve been listening to what essentially sounds like polyphonic ringtone rock & roll versions of the same song, which I think ramps up the torture levels even further. And even when Ben isn’t listening to his students’ work, I’ve still got the sound reverberating in my ears, and the three of us keep catching ourselves milling around the house singing the song.

“Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof,” sings Pharrell. I think trying to imagine how inanimate objects feel is a massively flawed concept. Obviously there is no way of satisfactorily being able to answer how a room without a roof might feel, however, I think it’s safe to say that in most circumstances you’d feel pretty pissed off if you lived in a house that contained rooms that didn’t possess roofs. Pharrell’s initial dream was to be an estate agent, but that didn’t turn out too well, as you’d imagine, so he became a songwriter and recording artist, although, you could argue that his song writing also leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s just say it’s no Rebecca Slater.

“Bring me down, can’t nothing bring me down, My level’s too high.” He’s clearly not referring to his level of understanding about grammar and sentence structure.

I like the fact that he starts the song with the warning, “it might sound crazy what I’m about to say.” I’m not really sure though that he really lives up to that statement, given that his next line is, “Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break.” That’s not really that crazy. If Pharrell had said, “It might sound crazy what I’m about to say,” and then followed it up with something like, “I like stripping naked and rolling around in custard whilst singing the national anthem of Azerbaijan,” then that would be different.

There seems to be a tendency for pop artists to misuse the term crazy. Carly Rae Jepsen seems to think that giving someone her phone number is crazy, “Hey, I’ve just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe,” but there’s nothing crazy about that situation at all; it’s perfectly normal to give your phone number to someone you like. Where’s Carly been living all her life? In a nunnery?

Still, it’s nice to know that in spite of Pharrell William’s basic lack of English grammar comprehension, and inability to understand the most rudimentary facets of building a house, he is nevertheless happy.

I am also happy, as yesterday I received some rather happy news, as The Young’uns’ Michael Hughes and I have been asked to be The Young’uns’ Sean Cooney’s best man at his wedding in May. I have been asked to be best man twice already, and both those weddings have fallen through, with the relationship completely breaking up. Sean doesn’t seem to have let superstition get the better of him, unless that’s the reason why he’s also asked Michael to be the best man too, as Michael has successfully been best man at two weddings, and both couples are still together. So maybe Michael is simply there to help dilute the curse, whereas I am the real best man.

One of the weddings I was meant to be best man for was Michael’s wedding. Me and Sean were asked to be the best men, but unfortunately they broke up meaning that I never got to do any of my jokes that I’d prepared for the occasion, which arguably was the greatest tragedy.

Michael decided to propose to his then girlfriend Becky at the top of the Eiffel Tower, whilst on their romantic weekend in Paris. Unfortunately Michael is afraid of heights and was unable to make it to the top, so instead decided that he’d just propose to her halfway up the tower.

“Still, in fairness, Becky’s more than used to Michael only managing to get halfway up.”

Cue roars of laughter.

I remember Becky at the time happily relating Michael’s proposal speech, in which he told her that together they could achieve anything. Fortunately, she seemed far too lovestruck in that moment to realise the irony of this statement, baring in mind that they’d just failed to get to the top of a tower together. But, as they say, love is blind, which means that technically I should be an expert on the subject, so think on that ladies.

This morning I received a text from Sean, inviting me to attend a wedding fair with him to look at things for the wedding such as flowers and decorations. I know nothing of these things, and to make me even more useless when it comes to this subject, I can’t even see them, so I don’t think I’ll be much of a help. Still, at least it’ll get me out of the house and away from the bloody constant rock & roll versions of Pharrell Williams’ Happy. Unfortunately, Sean’s fiancée Emily is not able to attend the fair because she has something on with work, so it’ll just be three clueless blokes wondering around, one of whom is extra clueless by the fact that he can’t actually look at any of the things we’re there to look at and make decisions about.

I am completely out of my depth about this sort of thing. Perhaps you can help me out a bit: are there any questions about flowers or decorations I should be asking the stall holders, simply in a bid to look a tiny bit knowledgable? What are the buzz words when it comes to decorations and flowers? Are there any terms I can casually drop in? Perhaps I should just go in all confident, bold and brash, and maybe that’ll help fool the stall holders that I know what I’m talking about.

“OK, let’s get down to the nitty gritty, and talk technical. What kind of soil have you been using to grow these flowers?”

“Right, first things first. There’s one thing you need to know about me before we get started: when it comes to decorations, I’m not the kind of guy who minces his words. I don’t want any bullshit. Right, so now we’ve established that, to business. Doilies: talk to me about your range of doilies, and leave no stone unturned. Hang on, I’ll just get my laptop out and make some comprehensive notes.”

Well, fifty Dollops in. Back tomorrow. Another day, another Dollop.

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4 thoughts on “Dollop 50 – It Might Sound Crazy What I’m About To say

  1. I can’t decide who is bravest – Sean for choosing a best man with that kind of a track record, or his fiancee for letting any of you loose on the decorations!

  2. This is the funniest idea and the most desperate Dollop so far. Putting aside the fact that visual aesthetics are not your specialist subject, you really don’t strike me as someone with a strong feminine side. I may be wrong. I so look forward to finding out.

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