My sleeping patterns are all over the place since I got back from Australia. I’ve been falling asleep at about 10pm and waking up at about 3 or 4 in the morning, unable to get back to sleep. Today I woke up at 3, and I did the egotist’s equivalent of the counting sheep exercise. I decided to go through all 92 episodes of David’s Daily Digital Dollop and tot up how many hours of audio the podcast version amounted to. Obviously I didn’t listen to them all one after another, I simply looked at the file, which had the length shown after the title. This game did not yield the soporific effect that I was hoping for, therefore I can tell you that the amount of hours this project has provided so far is just over twelve hours. I can’t remember the exact amount of time, probably due to the severe lack of sleep impacting detrimentally on my memory, but only the most pedantic of people could care about the exact amount of time. Sorry Jools. Only joking Jools, I love you really. Probably a bit too much. Stay away from me for your own safety.
We’re just over a quarter of the way through the project and I’ve already produced over half a day’s worth of audio. If the Dollops continue to be of a similar length, then by the end of the year I will have produced two days’ worth of audio.
It would take you two days’ of uninterrupted listening to listen to David’s Daily Digital Dollop from start to finish. I wonder what psychological effects that would have on someone if they did decide to do that, although, to be honest, if they have made the decision to do such a thing then they are clearly already psychologically damaged. Having said that, does anyone fancy giving it a go? You could maybe do it as a sponsored event for charity. Two days of uninterrupted listening. You’re not allowed to sleep, but you are allowed to eat and go to the toilet, so long as you keep your headphones on at all times. I think the psychological damage caused by this endeavour would be severe enough without compounding it by the fact that you’re also sitting in your own waste matter, because you didn’t have the foresight to stipulate the rules about toilet visits.
“So, tell me, how did the charity Dollopathon for the British Deaf Association go, mate?”
“I got six hours in and I was already starting to hallucinate and think terrible dark thoughts. Then he started talking about watery cat faeces, and I couldn’t take it any more.”
“But what about the money? What about those poor deaf people?”
“Sod the deaf people! At least they’ll never have to suffer the harrowing experience of listening to David talking about his kettle for hours and hours. Those deaf people will never have to experience that, the lucky bastards.”
Perversely, I think the only person that has any chance of ever considering doing the two day Dollopathon, tragically, is me, probably while masturbating as well. Obviously that was a joke, because I wouldn’t be the only person, as I’m sure Chloe would be well up for that sort of thing. Perhaps we could do it together Chloe? For charity you understand, obviously, not for our own perverted enjoyment, clearly for charity.
At some point though, I probably am going to have to go through these Dollops, because the idea is that I want to take some of the content generated by this project and turn it into standup routines. I have been very lapsed with standup, having only ever done four gigs in the space of a three year period. I’ve written about those experiences in previous blogs. If you’re interested then go here to access the standup category of my blog, which will provide you with all the blogs I’ve written about my incipient standup experiences.
The last standup spot I did was in February 2015. at Manchester’s Comedy Store at an event called the King Gong, where each act gets a maximum of five minutes to perform. However, audience members are issued with red cards, and if three red cards are held up then you are dismissed. I won’t reveal what happened in this blog post, in case you want to read all about it, which you can do by accessing the above links, however I will divulge the fact that I didn’t make the full five minutes. In fairness, the comedians who did make the full five minutes were in the minority – the atmosphere was rather gladiatorial, with audience members seemingly enjoying the power that having the cards afforded them – and those comedians had clearly performed their routine many times before, whereas I was doing the material for the first time.
I’d really like to go back and do the King Gong night again at some point, but I’m not sure how valuable it is for me to be trying out ideas for the first time in such a setting. I think it would be better for me to go to non-competitive nights first and build up the routine a bit before throwing it on the mercy of a load of drunken people who enjoy having the power to dismiss you if you haven’t made a joke about cocks within the first thirty seconds. Maybe that’s a bit unfair on the audience and the night, but I’m sure you get my point. If I had to write these Dollops in a room full of drunk people looking at what I’d written and loudly berating me, then I doubt that I’d have written very much. I think, even the fact that I’d have some fans in the room with me wouldn’t offer much in the way of comfort: Jools would be shouting out grammatical corrections, while Chloe would be feverishly masturbating, which would both be highly off-putting for very different reasons.
if I can get some experience of doing non-competitive spots in a more friendly environment, then I can really develop and work things out, so that I am then ready to return to the King Gong more prepared. That is my logic anyway. Perhaps it’s just an excuse born out of fear, but I think it makes sense.
I know it would be more interesting for this blog if I did go an do the King Gong nights, but I don’t want to obliterate my confidence about doing comedy altogether, just for the sake of entertaining a few hundred blog readers and podcast listeners. The only reason I am trying out standup comedy anyway is because I’ve had lots of people saying that I should do it, and eventually they have ground me down, so it’s not as if I’ve made this decision based on my own self-assuredness and have lots of confidence about my abilities. At one point I was having meetings with a massive agent who represents loads of A-list entertainers (I won’t reveal who it is and how it happened, as I’m saving that for the book. That is a joke, just in case you took that literally and branded me an arrogant idiot), who was interested in my comedy career, but I managed to let that slip due to my lack of confidence and thus in turn my lack of commitment. Chances are though that these opportunities are all still out there, and I might be able to pick them back up once I start doing some gigs. It’s good to have spoken with so many people, including big-time high profile agents, who have faith in my abilities, even if I don’t really have much faith in them and am riddled with, at time,s crippling self-doubt.
Perhaps I should be using this blog as a way of committing myself to action. Perhaps my goal for the end of the year should be to have done some gigs, then gone to the last King Gong of the year and last the full five minutes. Hopefully, this blog post will prove to be the catalyst for taking positive action. The main purpose of doing these Dollops was to help create material for standup, and I think it’s succeeded in that. I mean, the crowd are going to go wild for my ninety minute standup show all about kettles. Chloe: if you decide to come to the show, could you please make sure to sit at the back? Thanks.
I hope you appreciate the amazing cleverness of today’s Dollop title: Stand Up And Be Counted. I am talking about standup, and this blog is about holding myself to account. But also, the first part of this blog post was all about me counting the amount of hours this project comprises. Not funny, but very clever. Are you having that, Jools?