David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 211 – Introducing Simon Mack

Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

We’ve just been to the bank. This is the first Canadian bank I’ve ever been in, so I don’t know if this is common in Canada, but upon entering the place we were handed a free cup cake. Then we were brought to a desk with a big wheel at the centre which we were told to spin. Michael spun it, and won 10 dollars, Sean spun it and won 10 dollars, I spun it and also won 10 dollars. We’d only been in this bank for a minute and already we were thirty dollars and three cup cakes richer. What would happen next? Would we get the option to either simply pay our money in or take a gamble: if it lands on red they pay double your money into your account, but if it lands on black you lose it all. The bank also had a drive through.

We stayed in another youth hostel last night. The beds all had name tags on with the names of the people who were staying in the hostel. I had been chosen as the person to sleep underneath Simon Mack. Sleeping underneath Simon Mack was a lot less fart-filled and painful than the drunken, well-built, French Vegetarian I lay underneath at the hostel in England (see Dollop 205). Simon was on the thin side, and I mean this in the literal sense of the word thin, not the confusing Canadian Country singer’s definition of the word (see yesterday’s Dollop). And so when he got into bed, he nimbly sprung into it, without a single groan or fart. Comparatively speaking, it was a pleasure to be lying underneath Simon Mack. Again, this is just comparatively speaking; if I had a choice not to lie underneath any men than obviously I’d choose that, but given that I had to lie underneath someone, Simon Mack was a good man to be lying underneath.

Oh dear, I thought that I was alone in this room. Sean has gone for a walk, Michael has gone for a helicopter ride, and I thought I heard Simon leave quite early. The room was very quiet, so I just assumed I was by myself. So I didn’t bother to put headphones on, and so everything I’ve been typing has been read out loud to me by the screen reader. Then I heard a movement above me, as Simon Mack hurriedly got out of bed, put his clothes on and very quickly left the room. I suppose you could say that he left in a bit of a Mack Flurry. Hmm, I think that might have to be a contender for the worst joke of this entire Dollop series so far. It’s pretty likely that he’s just heard everything I’ve written about him. I imagine that it would be rather harrowing to wake up and hear your name repeatedly spoken by a robotic voice, saying about how much of a pleasure it was to lie underneath you.

We all went out last night, and after a few drinks decided that it would be a fun idea to welcome Simon Mack to our dorm by playing the 90’s pop song by Mark Morrison, Return Of The Mack, when he entered the room. When we got back to the hostel, Simon Mack still hadn’t returned to the room. We sat up talking for an hour or so, my finger poised over the button, ready to play the chorus of the song at the moment that he arrived.

“Return of the mack,
It is,
Return of the mack,
Come on,
Return of the mack,
Oh, my god,
Here I am.”

We would play the song and sing along, and he would laugh, and we would laugh, and we would chat until the early hours of the morning, thanks to our perfect icebreaker. He might even join with thhe song, singing the “here I am” bit himself. Wouldn’t that be brilliant? But then, as time ticked on, we got more and more tired, and the effects of the alcohol began to wear off, and the idea seemed less of a good one. We began to talk ourselves out of it. He might find it rather intimidating and weird to enter his room and immediately be greeted by three people singing “return of the Mack” to him. So we turned off the light and just went to sleep instead. It was another couple of hours before he entered the room and lightly sprung into bed, so it’s a good job we didn’t wait up for him.

I intend to try and catch up on the week’s worth of audio Dollops today, and I also think that tomorrow’s Dollop will be an audio only Dollop. So far in this trip we’ve audio Dolloped from a hot tub and a jet ski. Tomorrow will be another audio Dollop first. Join me tomorrow to find out where and what I’m Dolloping from.

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