David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 207 – In Which We Enter The Mind Of A Bear

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Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

So, we survived the storm, we survived the Spanish hitch hikers, but once again, our lives potentially hang in the balance. I am writing this in the car, on a five hour drive to Jasper, which is a place in Canada; we’re not travelling all that way just to meet one random bloke, all though I’m sure he’s very nice. Jasper has been in the news recently for the fact that there have been a few people killed and injured by bears. Don’t worry though, because we’ve been armed with some important advice about what to do in case of a bear attack. Apparently the trick is just to lie down and play dead. If you’re having problems trying to be a convincing dead person, fear not, the bears will give you a helping hand (or a helping paw I suppose) by killing you. We’ve also been instructed to buy some bear spray which you spray at the bear in an attempt to ward it off.

I assume though that you have to make a choice between using the spray or employing the play dead tactic. If you see a bear and you spray it, then presumably it knows that you’re alive, and so, if the spray doesn’t work, you can’t really then resort to pretending to be dead, as the bears will no you’re alive. Unless the bears are just really stupid.

We went into town earlier today to get some bear spray. Michael saw what seemed like the Canadian equivalent of a pound shop, and decided that we should get the spray there, because it was much cheaper than in the other stores, but I wasn’t sure if it was a particularly good idea to scrimp on something that is potentially going to save your life.

“Raaaaaar! Raaaaar!” We’re entering the mind of a bear now – just so you know what’s going on. “Raaar! Raaaar! I see humans. Nice juicy humans. Raaaar! I’m going to eat them. Raaar! Oh no, what’s that? Damn, they’ve got a spray. Nooooooooo! They’re spraying me. Retreat, retreat! Raaaaaar! Hang on? What the hell is that? They’ve gone for the cheep dollar store spray. Pathetic. As if that’s going to do anything. How stupid can you get? These humans really can be so incredibly naive and astoundingly unintelligent. Haha. It’s my lucky day. Oh, hang on, what’s happening. They’re lying down. Oh no, they must be dead. They must have all somehow mysteriously died at exactly the same time. Damn, well I don’t want to eat dead meat. Ah, damn, that’s a real shame. Oh well, better luck next time. Raaar!”

Yesterday, I took you into the mind of a compulsive dog kisser, and today we enter the mind of a bear. These Dollops are truly pioneering.

There is a weird part of me that would really love us to be attacked by a bear, so long as it happened when I was recording an audio Dollop. Imagine how dramatic it would be for you listening, as I attempt to play dead, while a bear prowled around me. Obviously I’d be in a bit of a quandary, because I’d feel obliged to keep you informed of what was happening, but the commentating might arouse the bear’s suspicions as to the veracity of my deadness. I think that this might even prove a more exciting Dollop than the one from a bumper boat, having a water fight with children.

We’ve passed loads of hitch hikers on this journey. Unfortunately we can’t pick him up because our car is completely full, as Michael’s girlfriend has joined us for the rest of the trip. While she is lovely and it’s great to have her with us, it does mean that we now won’t be able to pick up any interesting people that I can dollop about. So there’ll be no more stories about hitch hikers to entertain you with, which is why I’m having to resort to imagining a hungry bear’s inner-monologue.

Hopefully we shall survive this next bit of our adventure, although, ominously, we’ve just parked up somewhere to get something to eat, and it turns out the place is called Dead Man’s Flats. Is it a harbinger of our pending death as a result of a hungry bear? Stay tuned to find out.

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