A few nights ago, The Young’uns van was broken into. They had smashed one of the windows. It seems as if the only thing that has been taken is one box, which is full of Young’uns CDs. This seems like a very strange thing to take. The burglar broke into the van and was presented with two guitars worth over £1000, an accordion, worth over £2000, and a piano worth over £1000. In the glove compartment was a satnav and £50. yet none of that was taken. This burglar presumably saw all that, yet, for some inexplicable reason, decided to take a gamble on the mystery box. I mean, I assume it was a mystery box. I’m assuming that they didn’t open it, see all the Young’uns CDs, and think, “my god, I’ve struck the jackpot. There must be at least fifty CDs! Oh my goodness, it just gets better and better, they’re all
Young’uns CDS. This is incredible. Let’s have a look. Oh yes, fantastic, there’s Another Man’s Ground, Never Forget, and even when Our Grandfather’s Said No. Incredible, that’s all three albums, in one box. I can hardly believe my luck. Well I best dash. I don’t want to risk getting caught and losing this amazing bounty.”
I’m assuming that the burglar saw the box, realised that it was portable and inconspicuous enough to run with, and decided to take a gamble on the fact that it might contain money or something of value. Just imagine his disappointment when he opened it, his hands trembling at the prospect of what wealth might be revealed, only to see fifty CDs from some band he’s never heard of before. I wonder if he gives any of them a listen, out of curiosity. With a bit of luck, he might give our albums a play, really love the music, feel guilty for breaking into our van and stealing our CDs, and make amends by buying loads of tickets to our gigs for him and his friends, thus recouping our financial loss.
Maybe this should be my next Dollop-based detective project, after my investigative work with the old reel-to-reel tape recording (see Dollop 182). I imagine that tracking down the burglar will be a bit more of a challenge, but perhaps there are some clues left inside the van. I’ll have a scout round, and see if there’s anything to go on. I’ll also keep checking Ebay to see whether someone has put a load of our albums on sale for a knock-off price. Presumably if this does happen, then we’ll have our man. I say man, I apologise for being so unfeminist and assuming that the burgular is a man. I am ashamed of my sexist attitude, and I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my sexist assumptions. Just to clarify, women can be dense, thieving scum too, however, I appreciate that there is still a long way to go for female burglars to be properly recognised and accepted in the same way that men are. I’m also aware of the difficulties that women burglars have in order to progress up the career ladder. I encourage all aspiring female burglars to ignore the societal stigmas, and give that career ladder a bloody good climb, perhaps stopping periodically in order to access an open upstairs window. I encourage all aspiring female burglars to ignore the glass ceiling, smash right through it, thus giving you access to whatever might be of value in the loft.
So, what a week it’s been dollopwise: a fictional mugger, and a real-life burglar. What next?