David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 140 – The Hang Ups Of A Blind Porn Star

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We are doing a couple of festivals this weekend. If you’re at Shepley Festival on Friday then you will have the opportunity of seeing our first gig with a married man in the group, as this will be Sean’s first gig since his wedding. See if you notice any difference in terms of the performance. Fear not, if you are worried about The Young’uns becoming really bland as a result of this matrimony, I am still single, and so will still be showing off in a desperate bid to impress and be liked.

Returning to gigging will probably result in quite a few more visitors to this website and blog. The numbers always seem to rise whenever I’m gigging, and then dip down again after a period of none-gigging; how quickly they forget. When we won the folk award this year, the number of visitors to my website quadrupled. Yes, very funny, I can hear you making your own rubbish jokes about quadrupling meaning that I got ten visitors to my blog, but actually the joke’s on you, because I got twenty, so there. Anyway, on the day of the folk award win I got loads of people flocking to my website, and the same for the day after, but within a week, the numbers had returned to normal. This might be because these people are very fickle and quick to move on to something new, or it could just have been that these new people found my blog, read that day’s entry, thought “that was a bit rubbish, but I’ll come back again tomorrow and see if he produces anything better,” which they did, only to find that blog post was also rubbish and so eventually gave up after a few tries. If only they’d stuck it out a bit longer, then they’d have got to hear me saying good morning to people in the street at 3 in the afternoon, and ruminating about killing and cooking cats. It is clearly their loss.

But it does generally seem that visitors do pick up when I’m gigging. Obviously this is partly caused by people seeing us performing and then searching for “David Eagle blind” or “David Eagle autistic.” Maybe I’ll try and deliberately engineer people’s curiosity in order to bring more people to my site. I could, for instance, speak with different accents during the gig, causing people to Google me in order to find out where I’m from. Or could hobble around the stage, leading people to search for “David Eagle leg” or “David Eagle limp.” Actually, maybe that’s not such a good idea, as I’d rather people didn’t type “David Eagle limp” into Google, as it will probably take you to a rather humiliating revenge porn video of me that an ex put up. In my defence, I was very tired and under the weather.

I really don’t understand the concept of revenge porn. I think that if I put a video of me having sex with someone on the Internet, surely I’d just be humiliating myself just as much as the other person. Unless you’re really confident in your sexual ability and truly feel that this video will paint you in a good light, then it’s a bit of a risk to put it out there. Before I could publish the video on the Internet, I’d have to sit down with someone and get them to watch it with me first, and I’d have to ask them to give me an audio description of what was happening, and ask them to be really honest about whether I’d be massively humiliating myself by posting this.

“And be honest, do I look big in this.”

“No, sadly not, not at all. And I’m not sure about the part when you shouted, “the eagle has landed,” I think that just makes you come across as a really big prick, which is ironic considering …”

I’m pretty good at audio editing. So if it was audio revenge porn then I’d be confident about being able to make it more flattering towards me. I could extend and loop certain sections to make it seem like the event had lasted a lot longer than it did. I could probably take her very occasional noises or statements of encouragement and paste them into the audio at various intervals, to make her sound as if she’s enjoying it a lot more. I could also overdub some bits after the event, so that I said things like, “Could you handle another hour of this?” and “OK, so that’s what I can make you feel without moving, now I’m going to start moving.” But when it comes to video, I couldn’t do any of these clever editing tricks, and so it would be massively humiliating for me if I released a video. So don’t worry, your secret is safe, Michael. Having said that, if CD and gig sales are flagging then we might be forced to release it in order to boost interest in the band and get the sales picking up again. Sometimes my jokes make me feel a bit physically sick; that was one of those times.

I wonder if anyone finds this blog by typing in “blind porn,” “David Eagle porn,” or maybe even just “eagle porn,” which is something very different. Sorry to have wasted your time if you clicked on this website hoping to see some hot sexy bird-based action. Keep popping back from time-to-time though, as you never know.

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