I think the prize for Dollop comment of the year so far has to go to Chastity Payne, who responded to my plea yesterday to get a Dollop-related tattoo: “OK, I’ve done it. I’ve just gone out and had, “Lie back and think of Hartlepool” tattooed around my left nipple…..in Braille.”
If you are not a Dollop regular then you may be a bit confused. A reminder that in order to get the most value and enjoyment from these Dollops, you should really read or listen to all of them. Preferably, you would read and listen to them, in order to allow your brain to engage with the content on a deeper level. But in case you are not a Dollop regular, then “lie back and think of Hartlepool” is the title of Dollop 102, where I bemoan that Hartlepool has been knocked off the top of the teenage pregnancy league by Burnley. I then reveal my plans to sleep with as many Hartlepool-based teenage girls of legal age that I can in order to correct this, as I am a proud Hartlepudlian and want to get my home town back to the top where we belong.
However, as virile as I might be, I cannot be expected to be the only male who answers to this noble calling. I will need other impregnaters to lend a hand, or if we’re being literal, lend a penis. Sorry if you find all this a bit too smutty, but it’s an important task, and there’s no point mincing my words, as I want the men and teenage girls of Hartlepool to fully comprehend what I’m driving at. So there is no point beating about the bush; although, in a literal sense that is exactly what I’m asking you men to do.
As popular as this dollop is, we are also going to have to reach a wider audience, meaning that we’ll need a proper concerted advertising campaign, to get the people of Hartlepool onboard. We will need posters and leaflets, and I am hoping that Chastity Payne will allow me to use her nipple on those posters and leaflets. I think it is just the thing to galvanise people and inspire them to get involved.
I am impressed that there is a tattoo parlour in Chastity Payne’s local area that can offer such a specialist tattoo. I wonder whether the tattooist did her tattoo in grade one Braille, which requires a lot more dots than grade two. A grade one Braille tattoo would mean that she has paid more than necessary, and gone through more pain than she technically needed to go through. If she’d gone for grade two Braille, it would have been half the price and half the pain, as it is essentially a form of shorthand. If there’s anyone else thinking of getting a Braille tattoo then bare this in mind. Also, she could have saved extra money by incorporating her areola as a Braille dot. It would have served as the perfect letter A. Still, never mind, I’m sure the pain and the cost was worth it, baring in mind that it has made her Dollop commenter of the year so far, and that her nipple will be used to further the cause of Hartlepool.
On Sunday morning, the newly married Sean and Emily went on their Honeymoon to Mauritius. I joked in the best man’s speech that Sean spends most of his life in the company of me and Michael, and that, so rare is it for Sean to spend more than a week away from me, he will probably be all miserable in Mauritius without me and start getting withdrawal symptoms. I imagine he will spend most of his honeymoon dreaming of being back with me in that cramped van, trekking the roads of Britain, then sharing a cramped dressing room in an arts centre with me, before standing around a microphone with me on stage for ninety minutes, and then rounding the day off nicely by us falling asleep in the same bedroom, or sometimes the same bed if someone at the venue messed up the room booking (or if Sean begged the person booking the room to put us both in the same bed and then pretend that it was an accident – I’m on to you Mr cooney; sometimes literally, if it’s a small bed and we both roll over at the same time).
It seems though as if my joke wasn’t that far off the mark, for when checking my web stats yesterday, I noticed that there was one visiter to my site from Mauritius. It is clear that, despite the beautiful senary, the hot climate, and the company of his new bride, he is nevertheless pining for me, as is illustrated by his visit to my website. This is very touching. Fear not, Mr Cooney, we shall be back in that van soon. In the meantime, I will keep you company with my blogs about tattooed nipples, and other miscellaneous bunkum.
Maybe I should have kept quiet about this, as perhaps Sean keeps the fact that he is listening to my Dollops a secret, fearing that Emily will get jealous. After all, I already spend most of my life with him, so she probably longs to have him all to herself for once, without me getting in the way. But she’s already started growing suspicious. She’s noticed that while they’ve been away, he will lock himself in the bathroom for ten minutes every day, wherein she hears the sound of his stifled laughter. She is growing suspicious that the laughter is being caused by the hilarious content he is hearing from David’s Daily Digital Dollop.
So, if you could all just keep quiet about Sean’s clandestine Dollop listening, and refrain from mentioning it to Emily, then that would be very much appreciated.
Of course, there is a chance that it’s actually Emily who is listening to or reading these Dollops. Or maybe both Sean and Emily listen to them in bed, like Kathryn Roberts and Sean Lakeman. I hope they aren’t using these Dollops as an audio aphrodisiac like Kathryn Roberts and Sean Lakeman do. That would be a bit disconcerting, although … actually … hmm … strangely arousing. OK, I don’t know what’s got into me. I’m off for a cold shower and to listen to some hymns. That should put me right.
Well, I’m back, and I can report that it didn’t work. What can I say, the Lord Is My Shepherd … gets me in the mood every time. Let’s just hope Abide With Me doesn’t come on this playlist next, otherwise I might lose control. No, I don’t know where this bit is going either. Bye-bye.