Thanks to those of you who have tried to counter the unflattering David Eagle related Google searches I’ve recently been getting, such as ‘Is David Eagle autistic?’ by making some more positive searches. Here are some of the Google searches that people have done relating to my name over the last couple of days: “David Eagle The Young’uns fit,’ ‘David Eagle The Young’uns sexy,’ ‘how can I ask David eagle from The Young’uns out?’ Even though these searches have been made as a result of me complaining about the amount of searches I’ve been getting for things like “David Eagle blind,’ and ‘David Eagle disability,’ it still made me feel quite good about myself. After all, there is a tiny chance that someone actually genuinely made these searches on their own volition, having not read my Dollops. Although, for the person who Googled ‘how can I ask David eagle from The Young’uns out?’ I must unfortunately tell you that it’s unlikely that there’ll be any relationship between the two of us.
Firstly, you do not score well on basic intelligence. You seem to be unaware of how Google works. It is a search engine, designed to bring up results based on the keywords you’ve typed. It’s not able to subjectively give you answers to emotive questions, although perhaps it’s only a matter of time before this happens. I suppose that it’s technically possible. Given the amount of data Google probably has about me, it could probably tell you my favourite foods, favourite films and music, which might help you choose a gift for me, in order to soften me up and make me more amenable for your proposition, and also to act as a token of your love for me. Although, given that I’ve written blogs about buying vegetables from Sainsbury’s, Google might incorrectly suggest that a great gift idea for me is a courgette. Sadly, if you came to me declaring your love for me and then handed me a courgette, I would be both confused and disturbed. I’d be wondering what the courgette was all about, and might think you were propositioning me to join you in some kinky vegetable-based exploits, which I think is a bit premature, considering we haven’t even had a first date; I don’t do kinky things with vegetables until the third date – that’s my rule.
If this Google search query was genuine, then I’m afraid they have already turned me off by their lack of basic intelligence, as they obviously don’t understand how Google works, unless they assumed that I am so amazingly popular and fanciable that there is a guide on the Internet about how to ask me out. If this guide does exist, then it begs the question, who the heck has written it? Have my ex-girlfriends all teamed up together, to collectively pool their experiences of dating me, in order to altruistically assist other girls in having the best chance of getting into a relationship with me? Maybe the reason they broke up with me was because they felt selfish to be keeping me for themselves, and so selflessly sacrificed their happiness so that other women could have the chance of experiencing the ineffable joy of a relationship with David Eagle.
Or maybe this is a money-making exercise for my exes, and perhaps they are selling this information to hundreds of girls, all desperate for some tips about how to improve their chances of wooing me. Perhaps the guide book advises them on important information like to wait until the third date before handing me a courgette. I wondered why my relationships never worked out; it’s because my girlfriends were contacted by my exes and seduced to leave me and make their fortune by helping to write a guide to going out with me. It all makes sense now.
All I would say to these unscrupulous women is that you will rue your unconscionable decision. Yes, you may make a small fortune by conning some poor lovestruck women out of their money, but there will come a time when you’ll all look back on what you’ve done and realise that no amount of money is worth the loneliness and emptiness you feel, now that I am no longer in your life.
But, I expect that the truth is simply that these Google searches were not genuine, but were made by Dollop readers/listeners as a joke. But at least I feel a bit more confident in myself now, as there is still a tiny possibility that these were actual genuine search queries, , and it’s only a matter of time before I am contacted by the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, I’m not sure whether I can afford to allow anyone special into my life at the moment, as they will destract me from this Daily Dollops challenge. I would imagine that sitting in my bedroom by myself writing about trips to the supermarket will suddenly seem pointless and unappealing, if I there is a woman trying to seduce me into enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. So, this is a serious plea to the girl of my dreams: could you please just try and contain yourself until the end of the year, and this challenge has been accomplished? To reward you for your patience, I will accept a courgette on our very first date. I mean, it’s clear that you are the one, so why waste time being all coy about it?,