All I want for Christmas is … a kick in the balls

Before we go any further – which if you’re going to read this and I’m going to write this we must inevitably do – I want to stress that this story does not involve me. I am not the protagonist in this scenario which I am about to relate to you. I know most of my blog posts are autobiographical, but this is not one of them. I’ve spent the last two months waiting for something interesting to happen to me so that I can blog about it, but alas, nothing, which means I’m going to have to write about someone else I’m afraid. I hope that doesn’t put you off reading this. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you understand that this story is definitely not about me, OK? I wouldn’t want to harm my reputation, especially since I’ve spent the last three years painstakingly building it up through this blog.

My friend has recently subscribed to a dating website. I won’t give the name of the website or the name of my friend since I know it would invariably lead to a throng of readers subscribing to the site, communicating with her and attempting to date her merely as a means to getting closer to me (o yes, I know your game).

Personally I’m a bit uncertain about the idea of dating websites; it all
seems a bit forced: people signing up to a website, creating a profile where they enter carefully considered details about themselves, uploading a specific photo of themselves which they believe best represents them (although of course this does not necessarily mean it accurately represents them). They then browse other people’s profiles and perhaps initiate communication with a person once they have seen how the person looks and once they’ve ascertained certain aspects of their personality. Based on their profile you can divine a person’s hobbies and interests, their favourite music, books, films. You can accumulate all this information before you even say hello to this person. There seems something a little too clinical about it all. When two people meet in actuality, they discover more about each other through conversation and perhaps there is a spark. You don’t decide to say hello to someone on the basis of preliminary research into the person: their
hobbies, likes and dislikes; you discover that as you talk to them. Plus, when you talk to someone on a dating website, surely there is already the implication about what you hope might develop between you and that person; there is already an agenda set. This is generally not the case when you spontaneously meet someone when you’re out. I enjoy being out with friends and then meeting someone completely unexpectedly. Perhaps something exciting will develop; perhaps it won’t, well obviously in my case it invariably won’t (of course I am just writing that to come across as endearingly self-deprecating; the reality is that I am constantly seducing women.) Surely you can’t get any of that surprise and spontaneity on a dating website.

Dating websites seem to me to be a bit like buying a product rather than forming a chance relationship. Are dating websites just another example of how much we have become a consumer society? Using the shop analogy: you browse around and have a look at the various items on offer in the hope that you’ll possibly find a bargain: someone who shares similar interests to you or looks attractive – or maybe a two for the price of one offer on cute twins.
When we’ve found a suitable girl we pick her up (off the shelf as the saying goes – you see what a clever metaphor I’ve got going on here?) you take her to the checkout and hope that she won’t complain about any unexpected items in her baggage area. Then you put her in a plastic bag and bundle her into the boot of your car and drive her home. (I think I might have lost the metaphor a bit towards the end.) Mark my words, in a few years time dating websites will be exactly like shopping on Amazon: “people who dated Helen also enjoyed Patricia and Charlotte”, “if you enjoyed Jenny, why not try Rebecca?” You’ll be able to read reviews before you date, and there’ll be a 30 day money back guarantee, providing your woman hasn’t been unwrapped.

When our story’s protagonist was browsing for women, he wasn’t exactly checking out hobbies and interests; he was looking for something a bit more specific. He thought he might have found it in my friend.

The conversation seemed to be following a perfectly normal course at first but then he made his move.

He started off by telling her that he had really enjoyed talking to her and he felt like she might be responsive to a rather strange request. He had a rather unusual sexual fetish and he wondered whether she would be up for entertaining it.

The discovery of this fetish happened while he was watching the TV. A Chinese woman was arguing with a man. She got so annoyed with him that she karate kicked him in the balls. Instead of reacting as you might expect, feeling the man on the television’s pain, he was surprised to find that the incident had aroused him. He rewound the film back to the ball kicking part and once again he found himself becoming sexually aroused by it.

Intrigued, and curious to explore this new sexual predilection further, he went on a dating website and searched for someone who might entertain his desire. I’m not sure of his exact thought process here but he decided to search for Chinese women. Perhaps he thought that it might have been the Chinese girl that formed an essential part of his arousal rather than simply the ball kicking on its own. He started chatting to a Chinese girl online who was a student at Newcastle University. He eventually broached the subject. She did not seem at all keen, but he was so determined to explore this peculiar fantasy that he offered to pay her for the service. As luck would have it she was pretty hard up and so she consented. The arrangement was that she would come round to his place twice a week and kick him in the balls for fifteen minutes.

Surprisingly he enjoyed the experience so much that this arrangement continued for a whole year. But this summer she graduated and went back to china; therefore he decided to search for another woman who could take on the mantle. Alas, he could not find a local Chinese girl who would agree to his request. Eventually he decided that he would have to branch out a bit and so he went looking for women who weren’t Chinese.

My friend is Asian; perhaps this is why he homed in on her. Sadly she did not consent to the man’s wishes in spite of me begging her to do it so that I could write more about it in the blog (I’m a great friend).

She was going to send me copies of their conversations so that I could include them in this blog post, but when she attempted to visit his profile a few weeks later, she found he had deleted it. Perhaps he had tried a few more women in the hope that someone would be persuaded but then eventually accepted defeat and deleted his profile. Or perhaps he was questioned by revenue and customs as presumably he wasn’t paying VAT for the service and it was just cash in hand. Or perhaps he has died or become severely ill due to testicular damage. There are so many possible reasons why he is no longer on the dating website, but as it’s Christmas I shall spare you the litany of further theories, just this once.

Before I go, I would like to remind you that this story was not about me. Any damage to my groin area is simply caused by overheating laptop computers
as stated in my previous blog post)
and not the result of any kinky sexual antics.

Well I’m sure this blog post has got you all in the Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas and see you in the New Year for a new series of
Young’uns podcasts.

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