Today’s blog post contains swearing.
Download the audio version of this blog post here
Hello, happy new year, and welcome to David’s Daily Digital Dollop. This is dollop one of hopefully 365 consecutive daily dollops, I.E. blog posts and podcasts.
My plan is to generate new content on a daily basis, in a bid to make me more productive, get more people to my website, and create lots of ideas that I can potentially use for standup comedy and other projects.
If you’re listening to the audio podcast version of this blog, then you just heard an introductory jingle from a children’s keyboard, myself and my eleven year old niece Lucy. If you’re not listening to the podcast then feel free to imagine your own jingle now, before reading on.
Lucy came over during Christmas and I got her to record some jingles, in the hope that having a child’s voice on the podcast might endear me to you. Or perhaps you feel that I’ve roped her into child labour, and that, within the first few seconds/sentences of this podcast/blog, I’ve already demonstrated that I am clearly the type of person who is happy to exploit children for my own gain. In fairness though, she sounds like she’s enjoying herself, although, I suppose I could have just beaten her until she pretended to sound happy. But I didn’t, obviously, before you start thinking of me as the Joe Jackson of the blogging world. So we are just two minutes into this podcast, or two paragraphs into this blog if you’re reading, and I’ve already made a joke about child-beating. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a regularly occurring subject; maybe just once every other month.
However, getting her to record jingles for this blog has created a worrying problem. Lucy was excited about hearing her jingle on my podcast, and wanted to know where she could find it so that she could listen and share it with her friends. This prospect made me a bit anxious, as much of the content probably wouldn’t be suitable for young ears. Tomorrow’s dollop contains the words “fucking clever cunt”, and that’s not the kind of language I think her parents would want their eleven-year-old child to hear. If only she was twelve, then this obviously wouldn’t be an issue.
I’ve decided that in order to circumvent the potential awkwardness of her listening to such profanity, I will have to create another daily blog which is child friendly. I can then put her jingle at the start, and then talk about things that are more appropriate to children. Lucy tends to watch video blogs on Youtube with teenage girls trying on clothes and talking about teenage things. This is probably going to be an even more taxing project than the adult blog, but it’s the only way I can think of to combat the issue of a load of eleven-year-olds listening to the actual blog post with its inappropriate content. So, I need your help urgently. If you can put me in touch with a teenage girl to try on some clothes for me in front of a video camera then I’d be very grateful. Ah, I’ve just realised that this creates a whole new set of issues. Oh dear, what a bind I’ve got myself in.
I am fascinated about where this daily blog might take me (to prison, if I keep on this thread), how I’ll feel about it in 365 days time. Perhaps I’ll be depressed, having been unable to think of anything interesting to talk about for the last three hundred days, aware that it is completely irrelevant anyway as there is no longer anyone bothering to read or listen. Or maybe I’ll relish the notion of recording something on a daily basis, and the blogs will almost just create themselves based on the multitude of comments from readers and listeners. The only way to find out is to do it. Who knows what subjects will be breached, what exciting avenues will be entered, how many blind alleys we’ll go down, how many eleven-year-olds’ parents I will anger.
I have vacillated about whether a daily blog would be a good idea or not. My reasons against doing it were that I thought it might be quite egotistical to consider that people would have the time or inclination to read and listen to what I have to say on a daily basis. I’ve never felt compelled to rhapsodise about the ephemeral and inconsequential trivialities of my daily life on Facebook or Twitter (as so many others seem to enjoy doing), yet now I am choosing to go to the other extreme, writing a few hundred words a day. Do I really think people will read this? I don’t know.
I’ve installed some stats facilities on my website so I’ll be able to know how many people are reading and listening. But I know that I am quite stubborn when it comes to things like this, and even if I soon realise that there is literally no one accessing these blogs, I’ll still keep churning them out, day after day, with a bewilderingly depressing intransigence. But let’s not get all negative at this early stage; you never know, I might end up with five frequent readers/listeners, which would be incredible and would certainly make it all worthwhile. Or perhaps in 365 days time, I’ll be signing a lucrative deal with the BBC for the rights to create a Tv serialisation of this blog. But, one day at a time, my friends. There’s a blog post with the words “fucking cunt” in it to enjoy tomorrow, so that’s something to look forward to, isn’t it? I know how to draw the crowds. There won’t be a lot of swearing in these blogs, but this particular story does require the use of those words, so I’m sorry if that offends you.
“I was really enjoying the casual jokes about child abuse David, but then you had to go and spoil it with the bad language.” That’s probably what my dad will say to me on the phone later today. He does read my blog now and again, which I find quite disconcerting, but perhaps even a parent’s love isn’t strong enough to endure 365 consecutive daily blog posts.
Right, I best be off. I need to put on my dress, pretend to be a teenage girl, create my first child friendly blog about fassion, and send the link to Lucy and her friends. What could possibly go wrong?
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