David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 301 – Twice Bitten

Posted on by
4

Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

I bit my lip again today. I say again, because, as Dollop regulars will obviously remember, I marked my last lip biting episode in a previous Dollop entitled The Pain Inducing Hubris Of The Autonomic Nervous System, which was of course, Dollop nerds? Yes that’s right, Dollop 260. Give yourself a Dollop point Dollop nerds. Dollop points can be readily transferred into free consultation time at a psychiatric clinic, which let’s face it, will probably come in handy.

In Dollop 260 I wrote, “I seem to bite my lip about once every six weeks.” This was purely a conjecture. However, one good thing about doing these Dollops is that I am able to bite my lip and then check when the last time was that I bit my lip. This perk certainly makes all the work worthwhile.

So my prediction was a lip bite a bout every six weeks, and if these statistics are anything to go by, this is about right. Obviously this isn’t in anyway definitive, given that I only have two lip-biting episodes diarised, however the exciting news is that the next time I bite my lip I will be able to gain more of an idea of the frequency of these lip-biting incidents. If the current trend continues then I should bite my lip again before the end of the year and before the end of this project (by which I mean the end of the David’s Daily Digital Dollop project, as opposed to my lip-biting analysis project, which is merely in its first stage). Rest assured though, if my next lip biting happens after the Dollops have finished, then obviously I will release a special bonus Dollop in order to journal this.

I’m sure that the majority of you reading this are very excited about this additional element of drama to the Dollops, and many of you might be frustrated that I didn’t start this from the beginning of the year; after all, it’s a wasted opportunity, and with the benefit of hindsight I agree. However, I am aware that there may be some of you who aren’t quite as enthused by this as you should be. There may even be some of you who fail to see any point or interest in this lip-biting journling idea at all, and just wish that I’d shut up about it and move to something more exciting, like WIFI kettles. But hang on a minute, because this project potentially has a very practical use. If I discover that I bite my lip about once every forty days, then maybe I can do something to combat this accidental lip biting altogether. In Dollop 260, where I last talked about this subject, I mused about why this seems to happen every six weeks or so. After all, my brain clearly knows what it’s doing and how to eat, yet now and again it seems to malfunction and I bite my lip. If I discover that this happens every forty days, then perhaps I can eradicate these lip-biting incidents by paying more conscious attention to my eating around day forty for the next couple of days, or maybe we make an even more startling discovery and deduce that it occurs cyclically every forty days.

Who knows, we might even discover that this forty day lip-biting cycle is universally applicable, and my groundbreaking scientific discovery might lead to a complete eradication of lip-biting. No more split lips, no more ulcers and blisters. So think on that when you ridicule my project, because you won’t be so cocky when I’m receiving the Nobel Prize for science. Who knows what might happen. This discovery could take me to places. The world is my oyster, and I’ll be able to eat that oyster without any fear of a lip-biting incident, thanks to my amazing life changing work.

Sometimes the Dollops are a work of comedy genius, other times they are paradigm shifting and life altering. There is just no knowing.

David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 295 – Ill Eagle

Posted on by
2

Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

I am ill, hence the hilarious and ever so clever Dollop title. Ill, as in the medical sense of the word, rather than the more positive, urban, street, bad-ass way, although, let’s be honest, I tick that box as well. Just to make sure I haven’t confused things even more here with my attempts of clarification, by bad-ass, that is also meant in the urban, street sense; I don’t have anything wrong with my ass. Sorry, I just thought I better clarify that when I said “I don’t have anything wrong with my ass,” I meant that I don’t have anything wrong with my backside, as opposed to referring to my donkey, who is, incidentally, now we’re on the subject, feeling a tad under the weather at the moment. I just thought I better explain that in case I’d managed to add further confusion in my attempts to offer further clarification about my first clarification. So just to be clear then: I am ill, in the medical sense rather than the urban, street, bad-ass sense, but my illness has nothing to do with my backside.

Sorry, I know that was a bit of a ridiculous opening paragraph, but in my defence, I am ill. Also in my defence, it’s very difficult to write today’s Dollop as the three of us are in The tiny Young’uns van, which is so cramped that I have to angle the laptop so that it’s side on with half of it on my lap and half on Michael’s lap. If I have the laptop straight then it blocks Sean’s access to the gear stick, and while I’d admit that you might be able to describe this as a car crash Dollop, at least it’s only figuratively so, whereas one false move with the laptop …

Just imagine what would happen if we did have a fatal crash. The police would find my laptop perched on top of our dead bodies, and when they read what was on the screen, they’d find the first paragraph of today’s Dollop, and tears of great sorrow would well up in their eyes, as they considered what a tragic loss the literary and comedy world had just suffered.

Fortunately, I’m generally managing to keep the laptop away from any of the driving controls, although there have been a few near misses on the occasion that Michael coughs or sneezes, causing the precariously perched laptop to fly to the side and towards Sean. I hope you appreciate the kind of sacrifices I make for you with this project. These half-hearted, cobbled together semi-jokes about donkeys and backsides are being generated under life threatening conditions, so think on that before you judge.

We may have managed to stay alive, but I feel like death, as I have a massive cold, a really sore throat and a headache. There is no time to rest however and recover because we have been performing all day at Hartlepool Folk festival. After a whole day of events, we are now in the van heading to Burnley. We should arrive in Burnley at 1230. We then have to be up at 8 to start another five days of songwriting with school children.

Even though I’ve been feeling terrible all day, I seem to miraculously improve when it’s time to perform, and I get a massive adrenalin kick while I’m on stage, meaning that the pain completely disappears. This is very useful, but it means my body punishes me big time after each performance, and I am now feeling really shit. Fortunately the thought of spending a week in the company of hundreds of small children shouting “bum” and “poo” in my face is cheering me up no end, and is obviously a great medicinal tonic. Bloody hell, the thought is almost making me consider angling my laptop to the right slightly and bringing on the sweet release of death. Tune in tomorrow to find out what happens.