You get paid enough, I’ll rip off your head!

At first I thought it was an April fool. I switched on my computer to get on with some production work and everything went wrong. I assumed that the fooling would abate after twelve midday but alas, no such luck. I tried informing the computer that traditionally April fools were only valid before midday (which I was always told when I was younger, although this was probably my parents telling me this in the hope that I would have stopped my fooling by the time I got home from school) but the computer wasn’t listening. It continued fooling all the way through the day and night and all through the next day too.

I try not to get annoyed. I try taking deep breaths. I try imagining nice things – birds, flowers and pretty things that look nice, but that only acts to remind me that I’m blind and so I give that up as a bad job. I try imagining nice sounds but it doesn’t take long before the bloody tweeting birds in my head start to irritate me and so I give that up too.

I start to go mad. As I just mentioned, I am blind, therefore my computer talks to me. After a few hours in front of a computer that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do and keeps on talking to me (telling me that it’s not going to do what it’s supposed to do) it becomes difficult to rationalise that the computer is not an evil sentient entity, deliberately antagonising me. After awhile I begin to get paranoid. In my head the voice takes on a personality. Its intonation changes to reflect my feelings. I imagine the computer is goading me, laughing at me, deliberately refusing to do what I ask it to do. Eventually I start to talk back to the computer. I start to threaten it as if it were able to hear my warnings. It reciprocates with more error codes, but in my head it’s different. Instead of error codes, I’m hearing more goading, jeering and belittling. It’s tearing into my soul, my very core.

after a prolonged period of malfunctioning from the computer I start to talk to it as if it were a person. This generally starts off as an inquisitive question to the computer as to why it insists on being an arse. As time goes on I get more threatening and launch a verbal onslaught unto the computer, but surprisingly it doesn’t respond with anything that I consider to be satisfactory.. If the problem persists then I often start to act out the part of the computer and have a full conversation with it. I don’t have a specific accent for the computer although I generally do give it some kind of voice. A sensible approach I think; It would be rather embarrassing if I got myself and the computer confused. And so I’m sitting in a room by myself with the computer, shouting threats to it. This is then followed by me reciprocating in the voice of the computer giving me some cocky reason why it refuses to co-operate. I don’t know why I do this, and I wonder whether anyone else does this?

If the problem persists further and I am really having a bad day then I will start to blame god for the problems. I suppose I am looking for someway to rationalise the problems and so I pick on God. I don’t particularly believe in a God but I find it much more rewarding and fruitful to shout at God than blame a random, unconnected series of particles for my pains. A random series of particles can’t really answer back. Again, after awhile of God bating I start to get frustrated that (like with the computer) I am not receiving any satisfactory answers back. Therefore, I will start to play the part of god, and so I end up having an imaginary, animated conversation with God. He threatens to damn me to hell which doesn’t go down well with me I can tell you. Sometimes these conversations with God will start getting theological. I mean it’s not everyday you get to talk to god is it? It would be a shame to waste the opportunity. So I start asking a series of deep theological questions to God. His answers leave a lot to be desired, to be frank.

Recently, I came across a recording of one of my angry outbursts. Until this point I had never heard how ridiculous these outbursts actually sounded. Obviously, I was hearing them while they happened but I’d never really heard an outburst in the calm and rational light of the future, when it no longer mattered. When I heard this recording I burst into hysterical laughter. I ended up playing some of the recording out on one of my
a Young’uns Podcast.
I got loads of people writing to say that it was one of the funniest things they’d ever heard, certainly the funniest thing that I had ever done. I was pleased of course but a little bemused and disappointed that this random, unscripted angry outburst (which generally consists of me maniacally and incomprehensibly stuttering) was apparently funnier than all of the features and sketches I had actually taken the time to sit down and write but heyho! br />
In this clip I am getting annoyed at the telephone for refusing to connect a call to a guest who was meant to be featuring on one of the podcasts. After repeatedly trying (without success) to connect the call I start shouting at the telephone operator who’s automated voice with it’s repeated negative announcements was seriously starting to exacerbate my anger. The title of this blog post, “You get paid enough, I’ll rip off your head” is one of the many facile comments I angrily come out with during this clip. Thank goodness the operator was automated, otherwise I’d probably have been arrested by now. You can listen to it

Remember this is by many accounts the funniest thing I’ve ever done, so if you don’t like this then there’s not much hope to be honest.

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