Download the audio version of this dollop here
The virgin pulp saga continued throughout the rest of yesterday. Richard read yesterday’s startling blog post and commented to say: “I pass a wig shop (yes, they exist apparently) on the way into work each day. It has a sign advertising Brazilian Virgin Hair. How come the Brazilians can farm their virgins economically while we use them as an industrial feedstock?”
The plot thickens, I thought, and sent a comment back to Richard: “This is the kind of information we need Richard. Every tip off we can get is useful and might hold the key to discovering why virgins are being used in such ways. Perhaps the virgins’ flesh and bones are only pulped for toilet paper, while their hair is used for wigs, or maybe the two things are completely separate and the virgin hair wigs enterprise is completely ethical. Either way, thanks for the insight. We will get to the bottom of this, no pun intended, unless you thought it was significantly funny enough, in which case I’ll claim it as intentional.”
But then, I had an incredible thought. It was a moment of inspiration, brilliant in
Its simplicity. I decided to Google virgin pulp.
OK, panic over. It turns out that toilet paper made from virgin pulp is not actually made from pulped up human virgins, but simply means that the paper has been made from freshly cut pulped up trees rather than a recycled pulp. Apparently virgin pulp toilet paper is smoother and yields a nicer bottom wiping experience, although it is more environmentally unfriendly than recycled pulp paper.
In fairness, I didn’t buy the paper, my housemates did, but now that I know the environmental facts I will change to a less bottom friendly but more environmentally sound option. After all, what use is a soft smooth bottom when Armageddon comes? “Oh well, the bad news is I sped up the apocalyps but at least I enjoyed soft smooth bottom wipes when I was alive, although I’m not enjoying that my bottom, along with the rest of me, is now being fried to a crisp.”
Unfortunately, we’ve got quite a lot of this paper left, and it would be even more environmentally unfriendly to throw the virgin pulp paper away in order to buy more ecologically sound paper, and so I’m going to have to continue using it for a while yet, but be assured that I will not enjoy the experience. Its soft silky smoothness will cut like a knife.
Anyway, the good news is that the virgins are safe. The other good news is that Anonymous have not shut me down for my repeated mention of the word Isis, although apparently anonymous also have tabs on the Church Of The flying Spaghetti Monster, who apparently are planning some major escapades in the near future, so perhaps I’m merely on borrowed time. I’ve just realised if this is the first digital dollop you’ve read then none of this post is going to make much sense to you.
The other good news is that I’m now over a 73rd of the way through this project. I only have to do this amount of blogging and podcasting 72 more times and I’ve achieved a year of consecutive daily posts. So, as you can imagine I’m pretty buoyed by that. The end is in sight my friends. I might even have a celebratory Armageddon-inducing arse wipe to toast my success.
So far, all my blog posts have been over one thousand words long. It’s likely therefore that by the end of the year I will have written about 400000 words. According to Wikipedia, novels tend to be between 100000 and 170000 words, meaning that I will have enough for four novels. What the hell am I doing giving this away for free? Sod the Internet, I’m going to write a blog post a day and then release it in book form, on paper made from virgin pulp, because I wouldn’t want my readers getting unnecessary paper cuts, plus when you’ve read it you can use it as toilet paper, so actually in a way I’d be saving the planet.
After the climax of Harry Potter (by which I mean the end of the Harry Potter series, just in case you were concerned that I was going to launch into some self-penned pornographic Potter fan-fiction) J. K. Rowling released some books under a pseudonym because she wanted the work to be judged on its own merit rather than snapped up by millions and lorded as the greatest thing, simply because she wrote it. Then, when the books weren’t doing too well and failing to garner attention, she let slip that the books were written by her, and the sales went crazy. If I can think of a way of kidnapping J. K. Rowling and forcing her to claim that my novels of dollops are hers, then I’ll be a millionaire in a couple of years. Even better if I can get her to release them as Harry Potter books. Just imagine: Harry Potter and the Church Of The Giant Spaghetti Monster; Harry Potter and the Virgin Pulp (although admittedly that does sound like the title of some Potter inspired pornographic writing). As you can tell, I’ve thought it all through. But alas my ego is too large to allow J. K. Rowling to take the credit for my works of genius, so I’ll just continue putting this out for free on the Internet for the occasional like and comment from social media, because I am a needy egotist who will consequently always be poor.
Fear not, this J. K. Rowling kidnapping plan is merely hypothetical. No authors were harmed during the making of this blog. Not yet anyway, but there’s no knowing what the future might hold.
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Best line of the week so far:
what use is a soft smooth bottom when Armageddon comes?
….love it!
Worthy of J. K. Rowling even. Perhaps she wouldn’t need that much persuading.