i’m on the bus

As the title of this post suggests, I’m on the bus. Not just any old, standard, run-of-the-mill bus, o no! This is “the” bus, the definite article. That’s what everyone else seems to believe. Everyone is so adamant that they happen to be occupying “the” definitive bus. So, for instance, I’m on the bus and someone’s mobile phone rings. When the person on the other end of the phone asks “where are you?” the answer is “I’m on the bus”. The other person seems to accept this response. But then what if the person on the bus asks the other person on the phone “where are you?” and the response comes, “I’m on the bus”? Then what? Wouldn’t this revelation plunge their two worlds’ into utter chaos? Surely such a concept would
Disturb the entire macrocosm and microcosm of the entire universe! Two definitive buses existing simultaneously in space and time? So be careful when making such bold claims. You might get away with it when speaking to your friends but if you said this to a physicist then you could give them a heart attack.
Also why do people claim to be “on the bus” or “on the train” but would then say they are “in the car”? Why do they believe that buses and trains have such vastly different dimensional properties to cars? Come on people, think before you speak!

Anyway, the main point of this was simply to say that I’m on the bus. Hurray! And we have finally started moving again after spending over half an hour in a traffic jam.
In fact, it has taken me all that time just to write this. The reason it has taken me so long to write so little is not because I have spent minutes cautiously deliberating over every word – although I can see how you might think this due to the perfection of my writing style and the brilliant, intelligent content.
The actual reason for my slow writing is because I am using a mobile phone which doesn’t have a QWERTY keyboard, just the standard number keypad. If I was text messaging then I would normally use a lot of abbreviations and slang but I know that many people read this blog because of my perfect, impeccable use of language and writing. I know that Stephen fry likes to read this blog frequently for inspiration and so I must not shirk my immense responsibility of keeping the literary world in order.

This is the first blog post I have written using a mobile phone. It seems a shame that my blog posts have to be written purely when I am stationary, generally at home. My ultimate aim is to be able to update on the move. This should give things a more live feel. However, my appraisal of mobile blogging thus far is simply: “It takes a bloody age!” Perhaps if I got a Bluetooth QWERTY keyboard for the phone then it would be more feasible. I don’t think I would have the patients to spend an hour writing just 500 words. Still, the good news is that it can be done, but it probably won’t be done. Not until I get a qWERTY keyboard.

Finally, I’ve thought of a song parody that I can’t be bothered to do and so I’ll give it away for free for any ailing radio presenters to try recording. It’s a parody of Christina Aguilera’s ‘Dirty’, only it’s called ‘Qwerty”. You see? You understand? Eh? So the parody could be about Christina Aguilera’s attempt to send long messages to someone but she is getting frustrated by the length of time it takes to write the texts. Then she decides that she wants to get a QWERTY keyboard. “Wanna get Qwerty” she sings. So, there you go! Perhaps if it doesn’t get stolen and made into a number one selling single I might do something with it to celebrate getting a QWERTY mobile keyboard. Imagine that!!!

Byeeeeeeeeeeee! (O! that’s a nightmare to do by text. It takes ages to write all the letter E’s. You have to press the letter and then wait for it to clear and press it again and wait and press and wait until you’d wished that you’d just wrote “bye” properly. It’s worth getting a QWERTY keyboard to be able to achieve writing “byeeeeeee” in less than ten minutes.

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