Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye, Let’s Not Be ‘Avin You

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When Theresa May and the Tory government sacked 20000 police staff, the police federation warned her how this act would put the British public in danger. Her response was to rebuke the police federation, saying, “this kind of scaremongering does nobody any good.”

Next week Theresa May will no doubt reassert her usual claim that Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour party are a threat to national security, largely because of Corbyn’s reticence to murdering millions of people in a hypothetical nuclear attack. Now you might be thinking that this is double standards from Theresa May, after all, surely this is an example of scaremongering? But in fairness to Theresa, her issue is with the kind of scaremongering that involves experts raising their concerns about the threat to our safety by axing 20000 police, and she’s right, after all, I challenge any of you reading this to give me one example of something that happened recently where more police might have been useful. Go on, wrack your brains. Exactly. It was “the kind of scaremongering that does nobody any good”, wasn’t it? In contrast, Teresa May’s scaremongering is clearly valid, because she is genuinely concerned about the important things like how we’d respond to nuclear Armageddon, and ensuring that if some maniac destroyed our country then at least we’d get our chance to kill millions of ordinary innocent people before we die – which is only fair, is it not?

Now, I’m going to let you into a little secret, give you a glimpse behind the curtain, and explain to you that what I did there was to employ sarcasm and a facetious tone to help make my point. I know, it was rather subtle and clever wasn’t it? Go back and read it again, and you’ll see what I mean.

Surely axing 20000 police is more of a threat to our security than Corbyn’s reluctance to carry out mass murder? Labour have pledged to increase the police force by 10000. These are the very people who have worked so amazingly over the last few months to protect us under the awful circumstances of Manchester and London. And these are the very people that Teresa May sacked because, in her own words, “crime is down.” So she axed 20000 police jobs to celebrate. Did she never contemplate that the reduction in crime might have had something to do with us having an effective police force? What next? “Pupil grades have gone up, so I’m axing 20000 teachers.” This kind of Tory logic is utterly risible, or at least it would be if it weren’t so serious. Obviously there’s no knowing whether more police could have prevented any of the deaths and injuries in London on Saturday night, but surely an increased police force stands more chance?

Anyway, my message to all of you is, if you want to prevent a load of nurses from losing their jobs, you better get ill quickly and stay ill for longer, because if Theresa spots that patients are getting better too fast, or that hospital admissions have gone down even just a bit, even if it’s only for a week, then she’ll start sacking nurses. Come on everyone, it’s time to get ill for Britain! In fairness though to Theresa, she doesn’t necessarily want to cut the number of nurses; she just wants to keep cutting their pay. And what’s wrong with that? We get to keep the nurses but we pay them less – bargain. I’m fed up with switching on the news and hearing nurses complaining about NHS cuts and pay. The way they keep wining on about it you’d have thought it was a matter of life and death. It makes me sick! Not sick enough though to go and see a nurse, because quite frankly, I’d rather stay at home and die than have to spend time in a place full of whinging nurses. Don’t those greedy money-centred bastards realise that times are tough? We had a recession, in case they don’t remember, and we spent all the money on important things like giving loads of money to the people who caused us to not have any money.

But what kind of a system is it where your reward for doing your job well is to be sacked? I suppose on the plus side, if the Conservatives do win the election then Theresa May will presumably respond by sacking a load of Tory MPs; that is of course providing they haven’t already been suspended for election fraud. In fact, maybe the police force is being slashed so that they don’t have the necessary resources and available time to properly investigate all these corrupt Tory MPs. She discovered that crime was down and started to panic, and had to act fast before the police found a use for all their newly-acquired free time. For awhile she tried going out under cover and bribing teenagers to do some shoplifting just to keep the bobbies busy and off the scent, but it was clear that this ruse wasn’t going to be enough.

Or maybe Theresa axed all those police because she genuinely thought it was what the British people wanted, or at least the Tory supporters anyway. Maybe she got confused when reading all those comments in right-wing newspapers from people ranting about how much they hate the “PC brigade.” Maybe this is all just a simple misunderstanding, and once we’ve explained the semantics to her, she’ll apologise and reinstate the 20000 police jobs.

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