Dollop 9 – You Say Gelatinous, I say Salacious, Let’s Call The Whole Thing A Badly Written Blog

You Say Gelatinous, I say Salacious, Let’s Call The Whole Thing A Badly Written Blog. Dollop 9

Download the audio version of today’s dollop here

It seems as if yesterday’s spy story went down quite well with readers and listeners. If you read the blog then you might want to listen to the audio version as I ended up spontaneously adding a bit extra onto the story, in which we met our heroes’ assailants. Given how well it was received, it seems a shame that I’ve killed the two good guys off in scene one, which seems to scupper any chance of a sequel, unless it transpires that our heroes aren’t dead after all, just resting. Perhaps they have survived by some amazing Douglas Adams style infinitely improbable miracle. Either that or I could just go down the prequel route.

Nothing at all happened yesterday. I got up, wrote a blog, recorded the podcast version of the blog, edited it and added a few sound effects. I was originally going to add all sorts of elements, including music and more sound effects. I also spent quite a bit of time experimenting with different reverb and eQ settings to get the effect of sitting under floorboards. But then I realised how late it was getting and so decided to go for a more minimal approach. I even considered setting up two microphones so as to record the dialogue parts in stereo, creating spacial realism like they do on proper radio 4 dramas, but this would have taken even longer, and it was already seven in the evening. That is more or less all I did yesterday.

The toilet broke again today. I sort of didn’t mind when it broke a couple of days ago because it gave me something to blog about, but I feel as if talking about a broken toilet twice in one week might be a bit overkill. I felt as if maybe I was being helped along with this blog by a higher force, perhaps the gods of the blogosphere (which is a real word). Perhaps they broke the toilet so as to give me inspiration for a blog. Similarly they may have tampered with my mac in order to inspire yesterday’s blog post. But they are deluding themselves if they think that repeating the old broken toilet gambit is going to work again. In fairness to the Blogosphere gods, it’s not like they’ve really got a lot to work with, given that all I’ve really done this week is write blogs and go to the toilet. I didn’t even really eat anything yesterday, apart from a handful of nuts (oh, come on, really?), a handful of olives (I used my own hand both times, I think using someone else’s hand would have introduced a needless level of complexity for such a simple task) and a bowl of Muesley with grapes, blueberries and almond milk. I am barely living. All I do is blog and subsist on morsels of food.

Incidentally, when I went to the shop to get the Meusley, the member of staff who was assisting me replied to my request for Muesley by saying, “we’ve got loads of types of Muesley mate. I assume you’ll be wanting the cheapest one, yes?” Instantly my haunches went up (that reminds me, I must go to the doctors about that). I made him read out all the different options, and then went for what sounded like the most expensive one, even though I doubt caviar will go particularly well in muesley. “That’ll show him,” I thought, although now I think about it, that was probably his clever ploy to get me to spend more money.

I don’t know why he assumed I’d want the cheapest Muesley. Was it something to do with how I looked, the fact that I was in the shop during the day, suggesting that I didn’t have a job? Was it because I am blind and he assumed that I’d be living hand to mouth on the money I receive from the government? Well, he wouldn’t have been completely incorrect about the hand to mouth element, given that I’ve mainly been subsisting on handfuls of food, but that is through choice, rather than out of financial necessity.

I think I am going to go out tonight, so maybe the Blogosphere gods can engineer something of interest. You never know, perhaps tomorrow’s blog will be that blog I promised you earlier in the week about the next time I have sex, although I think we all know that that is unlikely. Even the blogosphere gods couldn’t pull that off. Don’t worry, I am not lonely and depressed, I am merely being endearingly self-deprecating; I know I am amazingly hot really. Actually, it would be quite useful to go back to someone else’s house tonight so that at least I can have a shit without worrying about not being able to flush the evidence away. Sexy! Maybe that could be my chatup line. What woman could refuse such a proposition.

There’s just no knowing what tomorrow will bring, and this is what is so exciting about doing a daily blog. Today I feel slovenly, drained and uncreative, writing about Muesley. Tomorrow I may be regaling you with salacious tales of the night before. Or perhaps it’ll be more Muesley chat and an update on my broken toilet. My spell checker just tried to change my misspelling of the word salacious to gelatinous. I am very doubtful that any of my blogs will ever contain gelatinous tales of the night before, but to be honest there’s probably just as much chance as a gelatinous tale as there is a salacious one. If anyone has any gelatinous or salacious tales that they’d like to share, feel free to leave a comment underneath. Or maybe you’ve got a witty story about muesley or broken toilets, or even both. Who knows what magical places this blog will take us to. Back tomorrow Z\friends.

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4 thoughts on “Dollop 9 – You Say Gelatinous, I say Salacious, Let’s Call The Whole Thing A Badly Written Blog

    • I see what you did there Jane, although I very nearly didn’t, though that was down to me being really tired today rather than the quality of your pun, which was obviously top class. Do you fancy writing a blog tomorrow?

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