Listeners to yesterday’s audio Dollop will already know that there was no anal cavity search. But, fear not Chloe, the journey is not yet over. There’s always Australian customs. In fact, I don’t think I’d mind an Australian anal cavity search as much, as I might find it a little more exotic. Also, every single Australian person I’ve spoken to so far over the last 24 hours has been delightfully friendly and very easy-going, and so I might find the experience a little less disconcerting than an English probe. You see what being nice to me gets you? All you have to do is be friendly towards me, and you’re already one step closer to me voluntarily parting my buttocks for you and allowing you access. Unfortunately Jools, you’ve rather messed up in that regard, and so there’ll be no arse fingering for you. I bet you’re ruing the day now Jools. The rest of you: I’ll send out application forms soon to allow you to apply for the privileged.
Apologies for the rather smutty opening to today’s Dollop. Perhaps it is the altitude, or the dehydration, or lack of sleep. I am writing this at 9am British time, whilst on the lane. We started this journey from Sheffield at 5am. We should arrive at Melbourne Airport by 1030, and then there is customs to deal with. They are going to judge whether or not I should be allowed into their country, based on my answers to their questions. Given that I haven’t really slept for about thirty hours, then that could be an interesting experience. I should be fine though. As long as I remember that my name is … er … shit. Oh well, we’ll see what happens.
Hopefully we should be in our hotel by 12 noon British time, 11pm Australian time. Providing that the hotel has WIFI, I should be able to get this published before heading to bed to finally get some sleep. I think that as long as I can get some sleep when I get to the hotel, I should feel fine and not really affected by jet-lag.
I find it a bit disconcerting that I am essentially in a metal box in the sky with no control over anything that is happening. I am at the mercy of others, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I can really trust them, yet I have no choice but to trust them, and to unquestioningly accept their requests of me, even if they seem a bit nebulous and weird. For instance, I got on the plane, sat in my seat and put on my seat belt, only to be asked by one of the stewards to please take it off, as they were currently in the process of re-fuelling. I have no idea why me having my seat belt on would impact on the re-fuelling process. I could have asked for a reason, but this was the start of a long flight, and the stewards were busy moving through the plane, and so I merely accepted their request and unfastened my seat belt until we were asked to fasten them. This was definitely not an anomalous, one-off request, because the same thing happened on the next flight. So what’s that all about? If anyone knows, feel free to leave a comment and educate me. I might even bump you up the list of arse fingerers, as a way of saying thanks.
Before you take off, you are asked to listen and watch the “important” safety video which details what to do in the event of an emergency, which apparently doesn’t include exiting with your laptop and recording equipment so that you can eject the plane and produce a Dollop from the middle of the Ocean. You get told that this information is of paramount importance and to give it your full attention. You are told how to brace, how to inflate your life jacket, how to use the oxygen mask. You are told that is vitally important that you memorise where your nearest emergency exit is located. They tell you all this, and then you take off. Then mere minutes after take off they spend the rest of your flight trying to force alcholol down your neck. This seems rather at odds with the insistance messages at the start that we take our safety seriously.
Anyway, my battery is running very low, and so I can’t write any more. Hopefully there will be WIFI for me to publish this, but then if you’re reading this, and it’s Wednesday, then you’ll already know that I’vve succeeded. And hopefully I shall also succeed tomorrow.