Dollop 66 – Witness Testomony

Download today’s Dollop in its audio form here


The Young’uns very own Sean Cooney came around to my house today. I know, check me out, a real-life genuine celebrity, in my house. You pretend not to be jealous, but I know you are. He popped in with his fiancée Emily because they wanted my housemate Ben to provide a witness signature on some paperwork relating to their upcoming Marriage.

Sean decided that Ben would be better placed to sign the document than me because he wasn’t sure on the validity of a blind person acting as a witness, testifying that both Emily and sean have signed the paperwork. I’m not sure whether claiming that I heard them both sign would really hold much weight.

However, despite Ben’s apparent better suitability, I am personally still not entirely convinced that the paperwork is truly valid, because Ben has been throwing-up all day and is feeling disorientated and weak; therefore, I am not sure that he was really in a fit state to have signed the paper saying that he had witnessed Sean and Emily’s signatures being added. It could have been a hallucination for all he knows.

If there is anyone reading this who is responsible for monitoring such legal matters, then I am presenting the facts to you as they stand, as I believe is my legal obligation. Sean and Emily definitely came to my house this afternoon, or at least two people who sounded like Sean and Emily came around this afternoon. I admit though, at the time, I did not think to interrogate them both in order to be sure. Then both Sean and Emily signed the legal document, or at least I heard a sound that resembled pen on paper, but I cannot say for certain that it definitely was. Ben, who, by his own admission, had been feeling dizzy and sick all day, then appeared to sign the document as well, attesting that he had witnessed Sean and Emily’s signature. I cannot offer any more information than that. I will leave it in your hands to decide how to proceed.

As best man, it gives me no pleasure at all to pour doubt on the validity of my friends’ upcoming matromony, but I feel that it is my legal duty to point all this out. I have gotten into enough trouble with the law this year, so I feel as if I really can’t afford to hide such truths from the authorities.

I then had a feel of Sean and Emily’s ring, by which I am referring to their metal token of marriage, in case you were confused and thought that they had got both me and Ben to fondle their backsides, claiming that it was a legal requirement as stated in the paperwork. Me being blind, and Ben being ill, we would be easy targets for such a kinky fabrication. But again, let me stress, in case the legal powers are reading this: I am referring to their piece of jewellery. It was definitely not their backsides, unless their backsides are made out of metal. Oh, hang on, maybe they weren’t the real Sean and Emily, maybe they were robot versions, hence the metal arses. Come to think of it, when I asked them both if they were well, they answered with “affirmative.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

I held Sean’s ring in my hand. This is the closest to Young’uns-based erotica that we’re ever gooing to get. I don’t think there is any Young’uns erotic fan fiction on the Internet, although I haven’t checked, so feel free to let us know if I’m wrong Chloe. Our fans aren’t even good enough to have set up a Wikipedia page about us, and so it would be a bit odd if someone had created a fan fiction site before we got a Wikipedia page. Feel free to start one by the way you ungrateful disloyal good-for-nothings. I am suggesting that you do a Wikipedia page for us, rather than a fan fiction site, just in case you were unsure. Other folk groups have Wikipedia pages. Bellowhead has one, Lau has one. What’s wrong with our fans? Why are you all so lazy? And while you’re at it, what about a Wikipedia page for me? Jools: don’t even think about it; but the rest of you … Come on.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was fondling Sean’s ring. As I’ve mentioned previously in these Dollops, I am not really good at this whole marriage thing. I don’t have any sage words of advice to offer about table decorations and flowers, as became patently clear at the wedding fair, and similarly, I don’t feel like I’m in a good position to be able to offer anything by way of an adequate comment about rings. To me, it just felt like a round bit of metal. But, “it’s a round bit of metal” didn’t really seem like a particularly suitable comment. So I just went “aaaaaah,” in what I thought sounded like a nice, sentimental sort of sound, and hoped that that would suffice as a reasonable reaction.

Then I had a fondle of Emily’s ring. It was a bit thicker than Sean’s with an indent in it, but again, it just felt like a round bit of metal. I went for the “aaaaaah” gambit again. I mean, if the two of them were in fact robots, then they are probably struggling to assimilate appropriate human emotion just as much as I am.

Well, I think that my tale there was probably the most exciting, dramatic and gripping story about a ring that has ever been written. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’ll struggle to name a better one.

I said yesterday that today would be my penultimate Dollop from England before I head to Australia, but actually tomorrow will probably be the penultimate Dollop from England, as I’ll probably write and record Tuesday’s Dollop on the way to Heathrow Airport. There are going to be some challenges ahead of me in regards to the Daily Digital Dollop project. Finding a location to record the audio versions is probably going to pose some challenges. I’ll probably have to try and record Tuesday’s Dollop in the waiting area of Heathrow Airport, which hopefully has WIFI. Does anyone know about the Internet facilities of Heathrow? If I manage to continue releasing daily Dollops for the entire month I am in Australia, then it will be an incredible feat. But more ruminations on that tomorrow. In the meantime, get cracking on with a Wikipedia article about me, and do one for The Young’uns as well, you lazy slobs.

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6 thoughts on “Dollop 66 – Witness Testomony

  1. The dollop was, as ever, erudite and witty including some of your usual flights of fancy. Then came the addition. What the bloody hell ……? Quite funny but far too techie for me.
    I hope you, Sean and Michael have a fantastic time in Australia. But when on stage, please try and remember to let your asides come through the mic too. Cheers.

    • Aha, maybe I’ve found the way to give you nightmares: talk constantly about audio compression and equalisation. And I am glad you view the subject of arse fondling as erudite; there are less discerning people who would contest that view.

  2. Er, I did try to create your wiki page. But I proved incompetent at basic coding. Also at basic bio writing skills.
    Maybe I should give the fanfiction a go.

    • I’m not sure I want you writing fan fiction about me, given what you know. A Wikipedia article was the reason we started going out. So many broken promises. But that is definitely the one that hurts the most. One day I will fall in love with a coder and my dream will be fulfilled.

      I like the idea of someone reading our comments, and trying to piece things together. It’s kind of like a micro soap opera for a very small minority of people who actually read the comments section.

      • I think, given how much I know, I could come up with some very successful fanfiction. Just think about the new audiences I could bring to your blog. How much creative merchandise you could sell..
        Well Davie considering your far superior technology skills, I think it’s rather unfair of you to have expected me to be the coder of our relationship.

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