Dollop 60 – How To Save The World With Just One Eagle And Five Guinea Pigs
Welcome to my leap day Digital Dollop. There is nothing particularly special about it; itjust so happens to be written on a leap day. I stated at the start of this project that I planned on releasing 365 consecutive daily Dollops, but then I realised that I’d picked a leap year to do this bloody thing in, and so there will be 366 Dollops. I am however hoping that scientists will soon make the discovery that the earth has been orbiting the sun a lot quicker than usual, resulting in an emergency shortening of the year, and meaning that I don’t have to do as many Dollops. If we all push in the same direction hard enough then this might happen. Join with me in trying to push the planet northwards, otherwise I’ll curse you.
On the subject of cursing, I received a comment from Clair yesterday, who expressed interest in parting with money in order to avail herself of my special powers.
“Whilst the curse theory is interesting and, agreed, there does seem to be some evidence to support it. Do you think you may be able to do the opposite and help someone. If you get that scheme up and running please count me in.”
I did say in yesterday’s Dollop that I would be happy to use my powers in a positive way, although I admit that there is no actual evidence yet to support the idea that I can achieve this, whereas there are multiple examples of me negatively influencing things. However, I am willing to give it a go, and I will use today’s Dollop as a test of my ability to positively influence.
I also received a comment from Jenny.
“Enjoying all of your daily dollops. A great daily tonic and much more effective then medicine / tablets. Though if I laugh to much it’s painful…!! Hope to see you in Edinburgh in April on your younguns tour health permitted.”
I am going to try and improve Jenny’s health through this Dollop. I am also going to try and positively influence Clair’s life. There are another three people who I’ve decided to also trial this experiment on. One of them is Mavis Crumble, creator of Mavis Crumble’s Fart Game from Dollop 57, and frequent Dollop commenter. She wrote to me, suggesting that if I used any more of her feature ideas then she would require payment for her services. I have written to her in reply, saying that while I will not pay for her ideas with money, I will however sign her up for my positive energy experiment. I also added that if she did not accept these terms then I would curse her, which we know definitely works. So I think it’s safe to assume that Miss Crumble is onboard.
I also thought that Jools could maybe benefit from some positive energy. Imagine living in a world Jools where you are able to read a blog post and not get all tense and stressed when you see a spelling mistake. Imagine being able to leave a comment without being pedantic. If I can help make this a reality Jools then I will. I shall send positive energy your way through the medium of Digital Dollop.
The next person who I feel might be in need of some positive help is Howy, who left a comment today saying: “Catching up with the podcasts last night in bed. Funny but does not lead to great sex.”
Firstly, this statement has peaked my curiosity (yes Jools, that’s right, I deliberately wrote peaked. I know it’s the wrong spelling, and that you’re starting to get all tense and angry, but soon this affliction will be a thing of the past. I know you are shaking with the urge to leave a pedantic comment, but try and temper that desire and keep reading, for I am about to attempt to help you with positive intention.).
The reason that Howy’s statement has peaked my curiosity is because of the word “great.” He says that listening to the Dollops doesn’t lead to “great sex,” which seems to suggest that it does however lead to sex, even if it is a bit mediocre. I think we need more clarification from Howy about this. Are you listening to the Dollops as a form of foreplay? Are you then engaging in sex immediately after listening to the Dollop? And if so, what is the problem? Is it that one of you gets distracted during the act, and starts remembering parts of the Dollop?
There might be people listening to the audio version of the Dollop now who have misunderstood my point here. They may assume that when I wrote, “haha, peas,” I actually wrote, “haha,” pees, as if suggesting that one of them had got distracted during the sex, laughed, and then proceeded to urinate, perhaps as a physical reaction to laughing. But this is not what I was inferring listeners; I was referring to last Monday’s Dollop about my trip to buy peas from Sainsbury’s. Why you didn’t find that story arousing Howy is a mystery.
So, they are my five Guinea pigs. I shall now write a positive paragraph about each of them, which will hopefully positively influence their lives.
Jenny is one of the most healthy people on the planet. Jenny is so well in fact, that when people see her they always comment on how she’s glowing; although, they actually do mean that she is really glowing, due to an odd reaction she had to one of the tablets, but apart from that she is feeling healthier and more vibrant and vivacious than ever before.
She comes to The Young’uns gig in Edinburgh and has a great time, although everyone else in the audience is a bit pissed off because of the bright glowing girl who is hurting their eyes and impairing their view. But the good news is that the weird glowing phenomena will wear off soon and then she’ll be left looking ten times more pretty than she did before, which is hard to conceive because Jenny is already one of the prettiest girls in the world, as well as one of the most intelligent, which is clearly exemplified by the fact that she reads/listens to David’s daily Digital Dollop. She lives happily ever after.
Mavis came to prominence in 2016 as a result of her feature ideas for David’s Daily Digital Dollop, which gained her the attentions of some of the top decision makers in radio and television. This led to a bidding war between, Sky, the BBC and ITV. Eventually ITV won the rights and Mavis went to work on creating feature ideas for Ant & Dec. The double act loved Mavis so much that they recorded a re-release of their 90’s hit song Let’s Get Ready To Rumble, called, Let’s Get Ready To Crumble, which featured references to all Mavis’s genius ideas. There was even a mention to Mavis Crumble’s Fart Game as featured on David’s Daily Digital Dollop, which gave me a massive profile boost, which in turn gained me the attention of radio and TV execs. (hey, if I’m going to make all this come true, then you can’t begrudge me a little something for myself too.)
Mavis was granted a 50 % share in the royalties for the Let’s Get Ready To Crumble song, which went to number one in every single country in the world for an entire year; although, in fairness, the year was only fifteen weeks long, due to some scientists discovering that the earth was orbiting the sun much faster than usual. Mavis was then able to take early retirement due to the royalties, not to mention all the Mavis Crumble merchandise which went on sale.
Justin bieber was livid when he noticed that Mavis Crumble’s twitter account had more followers than his, making her the most followed person on Twitter. In fact, he was so livid that he vowed never to make music again. Everyone was so overjoyed by this news that Mavis Crumble was granted the title Queen of Planet Earth, which basically meant she just got loads of free holidays and got to do anything she wanted. And she lived happily ever after.
Jools woke up one morning feeling much lighter, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She logged onto Facebook for her usual routine of reading people’s status updates and blogs, and then getting riled by their bad grammar or misspellings. She would then usually spend the next part of the day leaving angry pedantic comments, correct their grammar and spelling and suggesting ways in which they can improve their writing. But today was different. It wasn’t that she didn’t notice the bad spellings and incorrect grammar; it’s just that it didn’t seem to bother her any more. She then left positive comment after positive comment, in fact, she was so giddy with this whole new exciting experience that she didn’t even bother to check her own spelling, and actually left quite a few misspelt words and grammatically incorrect sentences. But she didn’t care, in fact, she was ecstatic by her new found freedom.
Her change was so overwhelming and inspiring that she began to develop a highly popular self-help career, where she would tour the world lecturing about her new-found life philosophy. She quickly rose to prominence thanks to her infamy on David’s Daily Digital Dollop, which everyone knew about because of Mavis Crumble. Jools would go on to coach CEOs of major companies, presidents and prime ministers. She was so influential, that she had a major positive effect on the entire planet.
One of her most notorious successes was with Donald Trump. After just two minutes with Jools, Trump was a different man. He broke down in front of her and thanked her for showing him the love and tolerance that everyone else of any worth had struggled to demonstrate. But Jools had such an overwhelming compassion and tolerance for Trump’s ignorance that it caused his entire life philosophy to dramatically change.
But Jools’ main triumph was to bring about world peace, using her non-judgement and unyielding levels of tolerance to win the hearts and addled minds of ISIS and other negative ideological groups. Jools essentially saved planet earth, and she, along with every other living person, lived happily ever after.
Howy didn’t know what had happened to him. It was a bit disconcerting at first. For a start his penis had significantly increased in length and girth, and it was as if someone had hooked him up to a mainframe computer which exclusively housed every single book about sex on the planet. He instantly had a working knowledge of the entire ins and outs of the kamasutra (and there’s a lot of talk about ins and outs in that book) as well as every other tome on sexual technique ever written.
Howy used to be the kind of man who would blame his sexual ineptitude on anything and everything under the sun, including the podcasts of folk singers. But now everything has changed. There is no more need for excuses, for Howy is now the kind of lover that would make Rasputin and Casanova blush and tremble in awe. Howy is the kind of man that sleeps with your wife or girlfriend, and you don’t mind, because you know that she’s only human and that it hardly counts as cheating if it’s the Howy experience. In fact, you are actually immensely glad that Howy has been with her, because maybe he’s taught her a thing or two that she can pass onto you.
Clair was the lady who brought all this positive change into being. She was the one who suggested to me that I used my powers to influence life for good rather than cursing people. Without Clair, none of this would have happened. Jools wouldn’t have created ever-lasting world peace, Jenny wouldn’t be healthy and vivacious, Mavis wouldn’t have stopped Justin Bieber making music, and Howy would still be having substandard sex and pissing himself. It is because of Clair that we, and she will live happily ever after! The end.
OK, we’ll see how that goes. I’ll keep checking in on you all and find out how your lives are developing. But this has the potential to be revolutionary.