So, I wrote about Tony Blackburn, and a mere five days later he was sacked by the BBC. I wrote about Richard Dawkins dying, and on the day that I was going to perform the routine at a comedy night, I discovered that he’d had a stroke the day before. In Thursday’s Dollop I wrote about David Cameron, and then suggested that with a bit of luck something negative might happen to him as a result. It’s beginning to seem as if this Dollop might hold some odd power of influence. I’ve just read an article in the Huffington post with the headline: “David Cameron Warned He Will Face Leadership Challenge If He Keeps Attacking Anti-EU Tories.”
I’m wondering whether this evidence will be enough to convince some people of my powers. Maybe I could setup a donation button on my website, which allows you to pay money for a positive comment about you on my Dollop, resulting in good fortune coming your way. Similarly you could donate some money and send me the name of someone who you’d like me to curse by writing negatively about them. If you get your donations in now then you’ll be able to take advantage of this service much cheaper than in the future, as prices will be set and will increase as more evidence accumulates to support the claim that this system really works. You can stay sceptical and pay more, or take a leap of faith, pay a great deal less and take advantage of this scheme earlier than others. Get in touch with me if you’re interested.
I might also create a scheme whereby I will notify you if you happen to be someone’s intended recipient of misfortune. I will then give you the opportunity to pay more money than the person who is trying to get you cursed, and this money will mean that I drop the curse and don’t write about you. Although, I will then go back to the original donater and give them the opportunity to increase their donation to re-instigate their curse against you. Obviously you will then be given the right to increase your donation and this process will continue until someone backs out of the deal. You also have the opportunity to pay more money to send a curse to the person who originally wanted to curse you.
You might say this scheme is highly unfair, as it favours the rich. All I would say to you in response is to be careful what you say about me, because if I find out you’ll be ripe for the cursing. And anyway, I don’t just accept money; there are also other ways of paying, and yes Chloe, I am referring to what you’re hoping I’m referring to, so get your bid in quick.
Actually, I knew I had special powers from day one, and this was my real reason for doing David’s Daily Digital Dollop. I deliberately spent the first fifty-eight Dollops writing in a jocular manner, talking about seemingly innocuous things like going to the shops and my new kettle, but all this was merely to provide a cover story in order to protect myself against claims of using black magic. You might think that I am now being a bit reckless in revealing all this, but I am pretty confident that I’ve covered my back so well with my cleverly cultivated light-hearted humorous blog construct that most people will just assume that I am still joking., the idiots. Plus, if anyone dares to challenge me then I’ll write about them and consequently curse them.
This is not the first time that I’ve considered that I might hold some mysterious ability to curse people. If you’ve found this atypically short Dollop unsettlingly scant, then you can read a blog post I wrote in October 2011 which talks about another incident in which one of my curses came true.