Dollop 56 – Featuring David Cameron, Jeremy Corbyn, Tony Blackburn And Peter Kay

Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

Great news, yesterday’s Dollop gained the attention of comedian Peter Kay. He’s apparently been searching for a variation on his famous garlic bread routine, but has never found the right combination of words. But then Peter found yesterday’s Dollop and this has seemingly put an end to his years of seeking. He has offered to buy the rights to use my vegetables routine, which I merely included as a flippant throwaway section simply to pacify Jools.

Here’s the email I received from a very excitable Peter Kay just a few hours ago.

“Hello David, this is Peter Kay. I was surfing the net when I came across your website. OK, I’ll admit, I was actually searching for young Hungarian fat gay boys and after ten hours of non-stop niche porn I eventually found your website. I’ll be honest, most of what I read was shit, but there was one bit that I really liked, and that was your vegetables routine from yesterday’s Dollop.

I would be interested in buying the rights to this routine. I was thinking £1000 and all the garlic bread you could ever want. I still get sent cases of garlic bread by people, after my amazingly hilarious garlic bread routine. Do you remember it? I basically just say the words garlic bread lots of times and people laugh. I’ve been trying for years to come up with another idea as brilliant as that, and when I saw your blog post, I knew that I’d finally found it.

I immediately imagined myself on stage delivering the collie flower line. I was saying the two words, sounding completely bemused, as if the idea was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard in my life. Then I just continued saying the two words over and over again, but changing the intonation, the pitch and the inflection. Some times I would say “collie? ……….. flower?!” pausing dramatically, and giving equal incredulity to both the word collie and the word flower. Other times I might stress the word “collie” more than the word “flower”, and visor-versa. I was also playing around the length of the pauses, just reacting in the moment, guided by my inate intuition. I mean, I was really experimenting with the form and meter and the delivery of the words. I reckon I could keep that going for a good ten minutes. I could hear the audience’s hysterical laughter, unabating. I felt that power once again, the kind of power that I’ve not felt since the glorious garlic bread days. I would just keep saying the same two words in different ways, and people would be helpless with laughter.

So, what’s it to be David? Is it a deal? £1000 and all the garlic bread you could ever want. Oh, and I’ll also go halves on all the cauliflower that comes my way as a result of the routine. You’ve really struck gold with this one David, but if you tried doing the collie flower routine yourself at your own gigs then it wouldn’t be giving the material the prestige that it deserves. Plus, I don’t think you have what it takes to be able to deliver the same two words over and over again and make an audience wet themselves with laughter. I am the man for that job David. Why don’t you sell the rights to me, and you can stay at home, living a life of luxury, munching your way through mounds of garlic bread and cauliflower. Leave the hard graft to me. Let me know your thoughts.

P.S. Please keep your response brief, as you do tend to go on a bit.”

Exciting stuff. I am considering my options, although I think I might try and haggle a bit; maybe try and get a 70 % steak in the cauliflower bounty.

In defiant opposition to David Cameron’s risible and all-too-revealing comments about Jeremy Corbyn in yesterday’s PMQs, I am writing today’s Dollop wearing an ill-fitting suit and an unstraightened tie. I think that Cameron’s comment to Corbyn really displayed his true colours, and I’m not referring to your outfit David, but something a lot more important and disconcerting; yes David, even more important than suits and silly songs. We saw the mask come off; obviously this is a figurative mask, as a real mask would clash with his suit, and his mother would be livid. We saw the real David Cameron: the pompous, privileged, patriotic, priggish, preening prat. If you’re a lefty who also happens to be a fan of aliteration, then today’s your lucky day.

“put on a proper suit, do up your tie, and sing the national anthem”. That’s what’s important in David cameron’s world. Sod the NHS, sod the actual issues, buy a better suit and sing a stupid song asking a fictitious entity to save the figurehead of an outdated, pointless totem of inequality and injustice. I think you seriously need to reevaluate what really needs saving, Cameron. You actually have it within your power to do some genuine, valid saving: the NHS, the welfare state, the BBC, the emergency services …

Surely Cameron’s comments weren’t viewed by his advisors as positive? What happened to the hoody-hugging Cameron? The man of the people image? You mean, that was all a sham? I’d love to be a fly on the wall at Downing Street, partly because I’d be interested to hear Cameron’s post PMQs debrief, but mainly because I’d just like to shit in Cameron’s dinner.

If ever I listen to Prime Minister’s Questions I always end up feeling completely baffled. Nothing ever seems to really get properly addressed. The whole discussion on the Health Secretary’s statistics about patient deaths at weekends is a casing point. Corbyn accuses the conservatives of being guilty of overstating the figure. The labour side cheers. Cameron comes back at Corbyn and says that yes they are guilty. A hush descends over the place. Is Cameron really going to admit that they made a mistake? That’s what we’re all thinking. But then Cameron does something really clever. He pauses for dramatic effect and then delivers the punchline: “guilty of actually understating the figures.” The conservatives are jubilant. “aaaaaah” they snidely intone. And then we move onto another question, leaving me completely confused. Are the statistics understated or overstated? And this happens all the time in PMQs. Does anyone really know? The reaction of the assembled conservatives seems to suggest that they don’t have a clue, hence the stunned silence and then the “aaaaaaaaah” when Cameron does his pull back and reveal – oh god, that’s just given me an image that I really can do without.

I am getting a little concerned that these Dollops have some odd power to influence the universe. I wrote about Richard dawkins dying, and then I discovered that he’s just had a stroke. Last Saturday I wrote about Tony Blackburn’s career, and today it emerges that he’s just been sacked by the BBC. I just hope that nothing bad has happened to Jools. If you’re still reading these Dollops Jools, let me know that everything is OK, and that you haven’t contracted a disease or just been fired from your job. On the plus side though, I have just written about David Cameron, so fingers crossed – actually, I best keep my fingers uncrossed for now as typing with crossed fingers would probably be rather difficult.

Back tomorrow, if I’m not too bloated after my celebratory garlic bread and cauliflower binge.

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4 thoughts on “Dollop 56 – Featuring David Cameron, Jeremy Corbyn, Tony Blackburn And Peter Kay

  1. I went back and listened to yesterday’s dollop again, and noted the evidence. 3:51, 4:51, 5:06 and 8:55. OK, so it’s more of a squeak than a trump. But it’s definitely not my chair. I do fear, however, that I am losing my sanity over your dollops. Did I really just go back and listen to it all again? I think I may need psychiatric help!

    • Hey! There is nothing wrong with listening twice. Does this mean I’m going to have to listen again? I will listen at those times and report back.

  2. Trying to stick with being scrupulously honest…once I retired, I promised myself that I would be true to me and kiss no more fundaments….I liked the line about David Cameron’s pull back and reveal.

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