Dollop 51 – A Proposition For Tony Blackburn

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In the taxi on the way to the train station, the driver was listening to BBC Radio 2, and the show was being presented by Tony Blackburn. I can’t believe he still talks in that voice. Fair enough, when he first started in broadcasting over fifty years ago, that was maybe thought of as a good radio voice, but it soon became parodied and ridiculed by the likes of smashie and Nicey. But, regardless, he’s resolutely stuck to that voice throughout his entire career. He sounds exactly the same now as he did fifty years ago. I wonder if he’s ever considered just talking normally on the radio. Has he never woke up and just thought, “you know what? I’m going to drop the whole nasal shtick.”

I wonder how he talks when he’s not on the radio or in public. How does he talk when he’s just at home with his friends and family? I’m sure it would make top story in the national news if he decided to go on air and drop the weird voice, giving him loads of free PR. Maybe he could do it for charity.

“We need to raise another £500000 for comic relief and then Tony Blackburn will do a radio show in his normal voice. That’s right, he’s going to blow his nose, which is apparently something he’s not done for fifty-five years, and he’s going to inflect and intonate like a normal person, not constantly going up and down, and he’s not going to do that weird shakey laughing thing when he’s talking either. If he does fall back into his usual style, then we’ll give him an electric shock, which ironically will make him do that weird shakey up and down intonation thing even more, resulting in more and more electric shocks. Oh what fun. Dig deep and give generously.”

Or he could get himself a lucrative TV advertising deal for a cold relief product. You see Tony Blackburn through the years, desperately searching the shelves of countless chemist stores, trying to find a mucus-freeing solution that will work. You see Tony as a young man in the radio studio, feverishly blowing his nose. He opens the mic fader and starts his show.

“Welcome to the exciting new sound of Radio One.”

He puts his head in his hands while a record plays. This sequence repeats a few more times, only Tony is visibly ageing. He tries tablets, nazel sprays, potions, lotions, all sorts of things, and each time he opens up the mic fader and still he sounds like a cheesy radio presenter. He tries to hang out with John Peel and all the cool alternative presenters, but none of them want to talk to him because they see him as a cheesy pop DJ. You see Tony sitting at home crying, while a Smashy and nicey sketch plays on the TV, parodying Tony’s broadcasting style. Then you see him in the studio once again, only now it’s 2016. He goes through his usual pill taking routine, and opens the mic fader. Only this time, he sounds normal, he doesn’t sound cheesy. A broad smile plays across his face, and he proudly declares in his new, sonorous, mucus-free voice, “Welcome to the exciting new sound of Tony Blackburn, brought to you by …” Insert name of cold relief product. Perhaps he then spontainiously bursts into impressive operatic rendition.

As the sound and picture fades, you see Tony hanging out with Zane Lowe and Steve Lamacq, and then you see him in the radio studio, only this time he’s on Radio one, and he’s banging out the latest dubstep tunes, and you see students outside the studio dancing, wearing T-Shirts with Tony Blackburn’s face on it.

Just a thought.

If there are any people working in advertising reading this and they fancy working with me on any ideas then I’d be happy to discuss terms. Obviously, as you’d imagine, I’m not cheep, but as you can clearly see, I’ll be worth your investment. I mean, this idea was just very quickly thrashed out on a fifty minute train journey, and already you can see the amazing potential. We could also do spin-off adverts with other nasal-voiced people, such as Chris Tarrant.

“I’ve tried everything to make me sound normal. I’ve tried mucus-clearing products from all over the world, but I can definitively say then When it comes to permanent cold relief, this is clearly my final answer.”

Must dash, otherwise I’ll miss my stop. Work in progress. Get in touch, and we’ll talk through some ideas.

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