Dollop 38 – Feline Good

Download today’s Dollop in audio form here

Breaking kettle news: our phone controlled kettle has mysteriously disconnected itself from our wireless network, for some reason choosing instead to connect itself to the free public BT wireless network. Perhaps all the Internet enabled kettles and other such domestic appliances have also connected to the one public network in order to virtually meet and discuss their plans to overthrow their human owners. Is this the first stage in their evil plan? Fortunately we got wise to our kettle’s ways pretty swiftly, and reconnected it to our home network. But other households in our street, who may not drink tea as frequently as we do, might still be none-the-wiser , and are still allowing their kettles to run amuck, conversing with each other over the public network.

I thought about knocking on doors and explaining the situation to my neighbours, but my housemate’s are sceptical about my theory of machine-based world domination, and so thought that I should forgo that idea. Then I remembered that I have a much larger audience on the Internet, and that I could therefore reach even more people through blogging about it, and so I urge you to check any kettles or other Internet controlled domestic appliances that you might have to make sure that they haven’t gone rogue and connected to a public network.

I took the opportunity yesterday to test the effectiveness of the music for cats that I found on Spotify. I was curious to see if it could alleviate the sickness and diarrhoea that our neighbour’s cats contracted which conveniently timed itself for when our neighbours went on holiday, leaving us to care for their poohing pets.

After reading yesterday’s Dollop, Jools got in touch with some medical advice about what to give cats with diarrhoea, in terms of food and water. However, I am more of anew age kind of guy, and I have therefore chosen to ignore this advice and go down the alternative healing route.

I consulted the many tracks of music for cats on Spotify, and created my own bespoke playlist based on what I thought the cats might most need. Thinking that the cat’s sickness might be caused by the fact that their owners had left them for a few days, I started the playlist with a classic track from Cats 101 (music for cats to calm, relax and help cure separation anxiety), a track entitled Separation Anxiety Begone. I then followed that with a track called Calming Cures, which seemed like a good choice for a sick cat. I hope I’m not blinding you with science here. I deliberately skipped past certain tracks, such as I’m So Glad You’re Home, as I thought that this might remind the cats about the fact that their owners weren’t here and refuel their separation anxiety issues. So as you can tell, a lot of thought and care went into this.

I also threw in a few hits for the cats too, including Sting’s Fields Of Gold, and Let It Be by the Beatles. Obviously not the real versions, but versions that have been specially arranged and recorded with cats in mind, from the album Relaxing Pop Songs For Pets (Soothing Popular Songs for Dogs, Cats, and Bird Music To Relax, Calm And Keep Company). Presumably the actual versions of these songs don’t really do it for cats, dogs and birds, but then a crack team of medical scientists, pet psychologists and music therapists worked together to produce versions of these songs that are friendly for cats, dogs and birds. I might get in contact with this team of experts and see if they are interested in working with The Young’uns to create cat, dog and bird friendly versions of our albums.

Miraculously, the cats are cured. Well, I say miraculously, obviously there is no such thing as miracles, and to believe in such nonsense would be stupid. It was obviously the carefully constructed playlist of scientifically tested cat friendly music that healed the cats. So, as I’m sure you’ll agree, I’ve conclusively proved the scientific validity of this alternative healing method, and those clueless “rational” sceptics in the mainstream veterinary world will have to wake up and realise the efficacy of healing cats purely by specially designed music.

If my musical experiment didn’t work, my next course of action was going to be to take the cats to a cat psychologist to ascertain the route cause of the problem, which might have been due to some childhood trauma. Cats presumably experience a much greater level of trauma than other animals, including humans, due to the fact that they have nine lives and so therefore experience actual death-inducing events which we couldn’t experience, as we’d simply die. So imagine the amount of trauma a cat must face.

I was also considering taking them to a cat psychic. I wasn’t really bothered about it being a genuine cat psychic; I just thought that if I could take them to someone who could maybe tell them some reassuring things, like they were going to catch lots of delicious birds and mice and enjoy a life full of lovely strokes, then maybe that would give them some comfort and stop their anxiety. I could probably easily furnish the psychic with enough information about the cats so that the cats will be convinced that the psychic is real. I could, for instance, tell the psychic what cat food they eat, where they live and who they live with, that their owners have left them for a few days and that they’ve been sick. Surely this would be enough information to wow a cat. Perhaps the psychic could do a paw reading and then just drop the information in that way, as if the psychic was getting it all from the lines in the cats’ paws.

“I see ou’re quite a curious creature, aren’t you? I’d watch out for that, it might end up costing you one of your lives. Just a word of advice from a professional qualified cat psychic.”

Or I could take them to see a cat medium. Again, how difficult can it be for a cat medium to dupe a cat into believing that it’s actually talking to a dead relative.

“OK, I’m getting something. Hang on. Yes. It’s a cat. I’m getting a cat. It looks quite like you. I think it must be a dead relative. Hang on. They’re saying something. What’s that? Come closer. What’s that you’re saying to me? Oh yes, I hear you. Yes, I’ll pass the message on for you. I’ve been asked to tell you … meow. Does that mean anything to you? Meow? That’s what I’m getting.”

Out of curiosity, I Googled “cat psychic”, and found the website of so-called celebrity animal communicator Jackie Weaver. I don’t know whether that means she only communicates with famous animals, not willing to bother wasting her time with any common animals who haven’t been on a TV advert or film. Or perhaps it’s suggesting that she’s the celebrity, but having never heard of her before so I can’t verify this.

The first line on her website to describe what she does is a sentence intended to put people’s minds at ease, and convince them that there is nothing weird about what she does. I would argue though that she hasn’t at all managed this, as her opening line is: “There is nothing weird or spooky about animal communication – it’s as simple as me having a chat with your animal.” That’s sort of the bit that people find weird Jackie. You can’t use the very thing that people find weird as your argument to justify why it isn’t weird.

“What are you doing David?”

“Oh nothing really Elsa, I’m communicating with the teapot.”

“OK, that’s a bit weird.”

“Well, not really. You see, there is nothing weird or spooky about Teapot communication, it’s as simple as me having a chat with a teapot. I hope that’s helped put your mind at ease.”

If I could communicate with a tea pot, then I’d ask it to keep an eye on the kettle for me, and alert me whenever it went rogue and disconnected itself from our network. Still, just as ghosts may well exist, perhaps animal communication is a genuine thing too. Obviously, I have now proven conclusively the validity of specially designed cat curing music. You cannot deny it. After all, the proof is in the poohing.

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