Dollop 23 – Exceptionally chilly grease and placated little cats

Download the Dollop in audio form here

Still no explanation as to whether me being listed as one of Kathryn Roberts and Sean Lakeman’s favourite artists was deliberate, or – as I suspect – accidental, and they really meant to mention my folk group The Young’uns. A tweet has a limit of 140 characters, and so they were only able to list a few names, which makes my mention even more of an honour, especially since I am listed first, and given that further down the list is Maddy Prior. I included Kathryn and sean’s twitter handle in my tweet promoting yesterday’s Dollop. They gave the Tweet a like and a retweet, but did not make any further comment, so I am still none the wiser. So maybe I’ll just have to stop being so modest and accept that my solo work with all its pithy parodies is on a par with the vast catalogue of Maddy Prior, one of folk music’s most notorious singers.

I am writing this blog post on the bus. I need to get used to writing these Dollops on the move, given that I’m going to have to do more of this when we start gigging again. The writing process is impeded slightly by the bus being quite rattly, which causes my hands to shake and accidentally hit keys on the laptop. Perhaps there is something in the idea that if you put an infinite number of bloggers on a infinite number of shaky buses, then one of them will manage to produce a semi-cohesive blog post just from the random rattling-bus-induced keyboard presses. But I am not that blogger. It would be good if I could just sit on a rattly bus with my fingers poised over the keys and simply let the magic happen. But alas not, it seems as if I’m going to have to continue relying on the more conventional method of actually using my brain to write these blogs. Oh well.

I did however receive an interesting spam comment on my website, which may offer a solution of how to write a daily blog without having to be creative or putting any effort in.

“I see your website needs some fresh articles, i know writing takes a lot of time, but there is solution for this hard task, simply type in google: Mamjo’s article tool.”

Well, I have heeded this commenter’s badly written words and done a Google search. It turns out that this tool works whereby you take an article from the Internet, paste it into this generator, and it will change the order of words around, add different words and then create a new article.

“This is first multi-languages article spinner that actually understands that words have different meanings, for you as customer that means that you will be able to create human readable articles with single click of your mouse.”

Well, all that sounds very impressive, however you would have assumed that the people behind this enterprise might have wanted to make sure that there advert was written properly and grammatically correct, given what it’s advertising. It appears as if they have probably used their machine to generate the sales pitch for their product, which I think was a bit of a daft move. However, in fairness, it’s not terribly written, and with a cursory read and some mild correcting you could maybe get away with it.

Unfortunately, you have to hand over your credit card details in order to take advantage of this tool. However, there are other article generators out there that are free.

So, out of curiosity, here is the erotic fiction extract from the book Suddenly Last Summer by Sarah Morgan, as featured in Dollop 10. This is the original text:

“I slide my hand behind her head and bring my mouth down on hers in a hard, demanding kiss that stirs up a raw hunger. A kaleidoscope of emotions rip through me but the prime one is need. It spreads through me, not slowly, but like wildfire burning everything in sight. I feel the softness of her body pressing through the thin fabric of my shirt, the erotic slide of her tongue against mine, and desire escalates to a dangerous blaze. Her arms are flung around my neck and she purrs deep in her throat like a thoroughly contented kitten. Rock-hard, I feel her tug my shirt out of my trousers and slide her hands over my skin, clearly greedy to touch me. And I am equally greedy to touch her. My fingers now on her buttons, loosening them, giving me access to the smooth creamy skin revealed by the lace of her bra. My body craves hers. It is a visceral, physical need that drives all thought from my brain.”

And now here is the newly generated content from the Article Spinner:

“I slide my hand behind her head and bring my mouth down on hers in a hard, requesting kiss that mixes up a crude craving. A kaleidoscope of feelings tear through me yet the prime one is need. It spreads through me, not gradually, but rather like fierce blaze smoldering everything in sight. I feel the delicateness of her body squeezing through the slender fabric of my shirt, the suggestive slide of her tongue against mine, and seek raises to a risky burst. Her arms are flung around my neck and she murmurs somewhere down in her throat such as a completely placated little cat. Rock-hard, I feel her pull my shirt out of my trousers and slide her hands over my skin, obviously ravenous to touch me. What’s more, I am just as ravenous to touch her. My fingers now on her catches, releasing them, giving me access to the smooth velvety skin uncovered by the trim of her bra. My body pines for hers. It is an instinctive, physical need that drives all idea from my mind.”

Well, I don’t think that that is too bad actually. There is a creepy science fiction-like bit when the woman seemingly starts shrinking. “I feel the delicateness of her body squeezing through the slender fabric of my shirt,” although, the man doesn’t seem too perturbed by this turn of events. I quite like the plot twist that using this Article Spinner provides. While it may not be a full solution to creating an entire blog post, it has the potential to fuel ideas. Well, at least it’s given me something to write about today anyway.

I will leave you with one final modified extract from my 21st Dollop, in which I describe a dream I had where I was the victim of an anal cavity search by a member of airport security. Here’s the initial extract:

“The man put on his glove and lowered my trousers and pants. The man then began to apply some very cold lubricant to the parting between my buttocks. The man, slowly began to insert a finger into my anus.”

And here’s the newly created content courtesy of the Article generator:

“”The man put on his glove and brought down my trousers and pants. The man then started to apply some exceptionally chilly grease to the separating between my rear end. The man, gradually started to embed a finger into my rear-end.”

It sounds even more unpleasant now.

This is another example of machines trying to pretend that they are human. The sales pitch claims that you will be able to fire your writers, because the generator will be able to produce your articles as if they were written by actual humans. I am now being contacted by a machine which is offering to write my blog for me. If the machine had had the foresight to have bothered to read my blog, then it would know that I am on to them, having already uncovered their evil plan to eventually overthrow the humans and become supreme rulers of earth.

If you fancy having some fun with this odd little tool then you can find it here.

Thank goodness I can turn the laptop display off, otherwise the person sat next to me on the bus might have been a bit freaked out if they glanced over my shoulder to see a load of text about anal cavity searches. Or even worse, they might have been turned on by it, and wanted to meet up and be my “special friend.”

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