David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 96 – David Eagle vs Asda

Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

I went to asda today. That’s right, not Sainsbury’s. You can’t pin me down. I thought I’d mix things up a bit for the blog. Some bloggers get stuck in their ways and end up standing still, writing about the same supermarket over and over again, but not me, I’m keeping it moving, keeping it fresh. Sorry Michael Wackington that it wasn’t the co-op, but Ben wanted to buy some clothes, and some drain unblocker, as well as food, and so the co-op just wasn’t going to cut it on this occasion. But there’s still another 270 Dollops to go, so there’s plenty of time to write about a visit to the co-op.

As we wondered through the shop, we were treated to the sounds of Asda FM Live. The Voice Over kept proudly declaring that the station was Asda FM live, even though it sounded like it was just an automated station comprising pop music, and a few adverts for Asda products. There was nothing to suggest that the station was broadcasting live. There wasn’t a presenter, there weren’t any listener calls, texts or tweets. No travel bulletins: “and thanks to Jenny, currently shopping at the Asda superstore in Luton, who called to let us know of a hold up at the drinks isle, apparently due to a spilled crate of beer, caused by an accidental collision with a trolley being pushed by a harassed and flummoxed parent. Staff are currently cleaning up the spillage, and the drinks isle should be free-moving once again very soon. We will of course bring you more news on that as we get it.” No weather reports: “Asda stores’ average temperature is 21 degrees Celsius, that’s 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Although, things get a little bit cooler as we head towards the frozen foods section, with an ambient temperature of about 7 degrees Celsius, that’s 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Highs of 23 degrees Celsius, 73 degrees Fahrenheit, that’s in our bakery isles.”

But alas, none of that, sadly. It was clearly just an automated station, yet the Voice Over kept saying “Asda FM Live.” But what did they mean by live? Surely they didn’t employ someone merely to sit there and occasionally press a few buttons, given that an automated play-out system could replicate that just as easily; in fact, it sounded exactly like an automated system, making that person’s job completely redundant. Even if it was an automated system, they could have still recorded a presenter doing some links that could then be interspersed throughout the music, which would have made it sound a bit more live. But they didn’t even do that. So I really think it’s stretching the point to call the radio station Asda FM live. In fact, even the FM part of the station name is a lie, because they’re not broadcasting on FM. Basically, the whole Asda FM live thing is a complete sham, and it’s about time someone was brave enough to say it. At least the co-op’s radio station actually have real presenters, isn’t that right Michael?

The Voice Over and jingles would frequently inform us that Asda FM is available “online and in-store.” I was quite surprised to hear that Asda FM is available online, given that it is just a selection of fairly generic pop music that can be found on every pop commercial radio station in the western world, interspersed with Asda related adverts. Why would anyone choose to listen to Asda FM online? Who are the people who choose Asda FM as their favourite radio station to listen to at home? Do they listen to it in order to try and recreate the magical experience that they get whenever they shop at Asda? If they could, they would spend their entire day in Asda, but alas, the staff eventually move them on after about ten hours. But at least when they’re at home, they can tune into Asda FM online and feel that they are in some way still connected to the Asda store. I cannot comprehend why, of all the choice out there, someone would choose to listen to Asda FM Live online. I assume though that they must get enough online listeners to make it worth their while. Unless of course they are lying about being online, just as they are lying about being on FM, and lying about being live. The whole thing is a sham I tell you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that even the asda stores don’t actually exist, but are a very elaborate illusion, perhaps part-orchestrated by someone like Derren Brown.

Anyway, we got everything we needed in Asda (or did we? Was it just a clever Derren Brown mind trick?) including the drain unblocker, which cost £4 for a tiny bottle. We took it home, and poured it down the sink. Despite the smallness of the bottle, it seemed to do the job, but still, that’s 4 quid down the drain. Hahaha. That wasn’t my joke; it actually came from Ben. I told you these blogs would start picking up once he and Elsa got back, didn’t I?

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One thought on “David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 96 – David Eagle vs Asda

  1. I admit it, I am a bit of a co-op geek. But I know very little about Co-op Radio, It appears to be produced by mood media on behalf of the Co-op. A few years ago they had a policy of playing only new artists but the staff complained ! The good news is that on the Co-op employees Facebook page, employees can request a track to be played. We could hack into the site and request a track or two from the Young Uns. Clearly the more Co-op related the more chance it gets, (think of the royalties !!) So I will go for ” A lovely cup of tea” or on the same theme “Biscuits of Bull lane” or as our spiritual home is up north at Rochdale, how about “love in northern town” Have i missed any retail related songs?

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