David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 85 – The Ethical Dilemmas Of A Vegan Porn Star

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Just three days to go before we head back to England. We’re staying at the same hotel for those three days, and we have WIFI, which means that the Dollops challenge should live to see at least another three days. However, we do only have an allowance of 1 gb of data, and there are three of us sharing the WIFI, so if the challenge fails and a Dollop isn’t released, then it’s probably because Sean or Michael have been using all the bandwidth up watching porn. Perhaps I’ll have to go out and buy some porn DVDs in order to keep them off the Internet and thus save this project. The trouble is it’s so difficult to find something that they’ve both not seen before. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, Chloe.

Knowing my luck, I’ll probably be spotted in the shop buying porn by the lady who accused me of being sexist at our gig last weekend. She’d get another incriminating photo of me to create yet another newspaper article, which shows me holding a porn DVD aloft, no doubt baring a highly misogynistic title. I might have to buy a gay male porn DVD as well, simply as a strategic measure to guard against the bigoted chauvinist claims.

We saw the pissing dog-lady for a third weekend running. In case you’re not a David’s Daily Digital Dollop regular, (yes, apparently they do exist) the Pissing Dog-Lady isn’t the title of a porn film, we’ve moved on from that subject now, although to be honest, that’s the kind of film that Sean and Mike would go for. It’s a lady who dresses up as a dog, howls, barks, rolls around on the floor, and squirts a water pistol into the air to represent pissing. We saw her at the last two Australian festivals we’ve done, and now she’s back again. Sadly we only saw her from a distance, so still no interview, but there’s still time.

The Pissing-Dog Lady isn’t the only Dollop title that sounds like a potential porn DVD, many of my blog’s titles could easily form the name of a porn film. If there are any people who work in the porn industry reading, then you are welcome to use any of these Dollop titles for a percentage of the DVD’s profits.

Young Hungarian Gay Plumbers; Lock Up Your Virgins. There’s a blog post called I’ve Got A Habit, which could be about a nun with a sex addiction, possibly an acted re-creation of the Sister Abbey song from Dollop 82. Dollop 51 is called A Proposition For Tony Blackburn. It’s a an innocent blog post, but I’m sure a porn film director would be brimming with ideas after seeing a title like that. And the upside is that Tony Blackburn is probably looking for another job, and porn might be it. Although, on second thoughts, he might be keen to stay away from that side of things, given the dubious reasons behind his sacking. Let’s put that idea on the maybe list.

Dollop 64’s title could make for a porn/horror cross-over film: Psychos, Murderers, And Vegans. My favourite scene in that film is when one of the vegans faces an ethical dilemma. She is sucking on a man’s penis, but then she begins to wonder whether, being a vegan, is she allowed to swallow the man’s ejaculate, as then she would be consuming an animal product. You can hear her inner monologue playing out as she carries out her pleasuring. Has she already broken the rules, given that she’s currently got his meat in her mouth? I don’t just want these porn films to be all about sex and smut; they need to have other dimensions to them as well, and I think that the vegan’s ethical dilemma scene is a good example of creating thought provoking pornography. I won’t tell you what she decides to do, because I don’t want to spoil the ending for you.

Dollop 79 – Time Warping, Mind-Reading, And More Pissing Dog-Ladies. This is the sequel to the highly popular Pissing Dog-Lady film. So successful was it that A-list celebrities are queuing up to be a part of this follow-up. This film features David Tennant, reprising his role as Dr Who, which takes care of the Time Warping element; Derren Brown features, as the mind reader; and Joanna Lumley plays the role of head of the Pissing Dog-Lady pack.

Granted, that might have made for very odd, disturbing and possibly uninteresting reading for many of you, but there’ll hopefully be a porn director out there who sees this blog post and wants to work with me, and make me my millions. I’ve conquored the folk music world, been there done that; now it’s time to move on and take the porn industry by storm.

P.S. The last few Dollops have been written partly while being drunk, partly while being hungover, and I am very much sleep deprived. Less than a week to go before we’re back to me blogging about my trip to Sainsbury’s. Hang on in there.

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