Download the audio version of today’s Dollop here

Exciting news Fiona, I’m on another train. The ticket for my journey is an electronic one that I have downloaded onto my phone through an app. This is the first time I have tried this. At the time that the app suggested this option to me, it seemed like a good idea, but now I’ve just remembered that my screen is severely cracked, and although the phone is still useable for me, as I don’t need to see the screen, it’s very difficult for someone to actually see what’s on it. I am therefore a bit unsure as to whether they will accept my ticket as valid if they can’t really see it.

Perhaps the ticket inspector will think that this is an elaborate scam, and that I deliberately smashed my screen so as to be able to execute my fraudulent plan. But in fairness, this would be a highly elaborate way around not paying for a train ticket, or at least certainly if you relied on sight to use the phone, as you’d have to be sure that the price of getting a valid ticket would be less than the cost of repairing your phone’s severely cracked screen, otherwise it would be a completely pointless exercise. If I do get away with it though, then perhaps in future I can simply have a photo of a ticket on my cracked screen, and I will then be able to travel for free all the time. And given that I can still use the phone without needing to see the screen, I won’t be inconvenienced in the slightest, whereas a sighted person trying this trick would have to get their phone repaired after the scam had been carried out. Oh yes my friends, yet another amazing perk of being blind; Pretend not to be jealous.

In fact, if you are a regular commuter then you might want to consider blindness as a lifestyle choice, as it would be a highly effective money saving initiative. If you became blind then you’d automatically benefit from free bus travel, and then, even if on rare occasions your cracked screen train ticket dodging scam doesn’t work, you’d get a third off the price of your ticket anyway, thanks to the disabled person’s rail card that you would now be eligible for. The more I give this thought, the more logical this idea is. I can’t believe Martin Lewis and his cronies haven’t thought of this one yet.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe that blindness could be a great economic initiative for the UK as a whole. We could completely fix and even significantly boost our country’s economy if everyone became blind. Seriously. For a start, just think of all the money we’d save once we turned off all the lights. Just think how much of a strain we’d take off the NHS if we didn’t have to worry about eye care. Just think how much energy we’d save by turning off all the television channels and transmitters. Come on people, ask not what your country can do for you … It’s time to get blind for Britain. If you really want to make Britain great, then you know what you need to do? Plus if we are all blind then it automatically solves all the xenophobia and racism in the country, because no one will be able to see colour and thus there would be no discernible difference between any of us. So blindness would essentially create a completely egalitarian, problem free utopia. There would be no more need for art galleries, which means the space could be used to house people, thus blindness would essentially eradicate homelessness. I defy any of you to come up with a single valid reason for why this isn’t the most incredible idea for our country.

“Where there is no vision, the people shall perish,” says the bible. But quite frankly, Jesus was talking out of his arse (one of his less appreciated miracles, although it always went down a treat during parties, especially on those nights when water was turned into wine). But the bible has it completely wrong (which I know may come as a bit of a shock, as obviously it’s normally so bang on the money, especially all those lengthy passagers about dirty menstruating women). But actually, the opposite is true: “where there is no vision, the people shall prosper!”

So, people of Britain, we really can make Great Britain great. If you want to boost our economy and live in a more enlightened world of social equality and peace, then you know what you need to do. Everything I’ve outlined for our country is possible, and I’m sure you are all very excited. But we need to be more than excited, it’s time to be ex-sighted. You see what I did there? Well, yes you did, and that’s the problem. So, come on friends, what are you waiting for? Let’s play a blinder for Britain. It’s time for … The Great British Blind Off!

Follow me on social media:

• 
• 
• 

Facebook Comments