I am writing today’s dollop from a primary school staffroom in Preston. How’s that for an opening sentence? “ouch!” Oh sorry, did you just get hooked?
If you haven’t been keeping up with the Dollops then you might be a bit confused as to what I’m doing in a Preston primary school staffroom. Don’t worry, the teachers know I’m here. I’ve started performing the school assembly circuit, having been asked by a number of headteachers to deliver my Dollops, which have been recognised for their educational content; after all, they are essentially modern day parables.
Today’s assembly focused on my 37th Dollop, entitled Young Hungarian Fat Gay Boys and Watery Cat faeces, which interestingly is my most popular Dollop of all, according to my website stats. I know what you’re probably thinking right now, but don’t worry, obviously I don’t just read the Dollops out, oh no, I also get the children heavily involved in the experience, getting them to play the various parts in the story. The young girl playing the part of the watery cat faeces was especially good. I was so impressed that I called her mother up and told her that she was a proper little shit. Sadly her mother seemed a bit pissed off and is going to pull her out of my assemblies in the future; I guess some parents just don’t see acting as a proper job. It’s a shame though because next week we’re doing Dollop 265, entitled My Housemate’s Pierced Penis, and I was planning on giving her the star role – the main part, if you will.
Sadly, in reality, schools have not yet realised the value and potential of my Dollops to educate children, however if there are any headteachers reading then feel free to get in touch. There are all sorts of Dollop-related exercises that I could get the kids to do, such as a team building task where students have eleven hours to try and boil a kettle over WIFI.
The real reason I am in a Preston primary school’s staffroom is because I’m doing a songwriting project in Lancashire schools. Again, you might have assumed that this was a commission inspired by the Dollops, after the schools’ music departments got wind of my incredible musical masterpieces, such as Psycho’s World, Thrill Me Kill Me, and of course, the remarkably innovative Dollops theme tune. But again, my solo work has failed to garner the attention of the education sector as of yet, so I’ve had to accept work with the other two Young’uns.
Currently there is a detective mystery taking place in the staffroom. There has been a fight in the school, and the teachers have asked those involved to write an account of what happened. The teachers also collected a number of witness reports as well, and we are all in the staffroom picking through the evidence and trying to deduce what actually might have happened. It’s a really interesting exercise, and the written accounts of what happened and why the people involved acted in the way they did makes for fascinating reading.
“He called me a moron, so I pushed him. Then he pushed me, so I pushed him. Then he pushed me again, so I pushed him again. Then he kicked me, so I kicked him. Then I walked off, but he stuck his tongue out at me, so I punched him.”
To be honest, I’m getting sick of Michael and Sean bickering like this. It’s especially embarrassing in front of the kids. I’m hoping that this method of writing their account down will make them reconsider their actions. So far it’s only made things worse, because Sean has used his songwriting skills to turn his account into a rather scathing, yet admittedly very catchy ditty about Michael. This caused Michael to cry “I want my mummy.” I’ve told him that I wish he wouldn’t call me that when we’re in public; it’s meant to be a bit of a kinky thing we enjoy privately, but it’s not appropriate in front of others, certainly not in school. I’m not sure we’re going to be invited back.
No, obviously that was just me being all hilarious there, the altercation I just described was one of the children’s written accounts of what happened. The two children have just been summoned into the staffroom, and the teachers have told them that they should be ashamed of themselves. “You’re meant to be children, but you’re behaving like a couple of UKIP MEPs.” This denouncement from their teacher immediately brought the two children to their senses, and they agreed to be friends and both take responsibility for the event. The teacher said that she was proud of them for their grownup attitude, and at least they eventually took responsibility for their punchup, unlike UKIP MEPs Steven Woolfe and Mike Hookem, who both agreed that the whole thing was essentially the fault of immigrants, before toddling off together to the pub for a pint, like proper English blokes.
At the start of today’s Dollop I joked that I was performing my Dollops on the school assembly circuit. While this isn’t true, one of my anecdotes was used by a headteacher in his secondary school assembly. And I shall tell you about that tomorrow in Dollop 291.