So, tomorrow is the day that I showcase The Young’uns In The Mix for the very first time, and possibly the last time depending on how it goes. I’ve had some of the ideas for the mix kicking around in my head for a few years, and although I’ve not performed it live yet, I’ve frequently gone through it in my head, often visualising doing the mix while in the shower or on the toilet. By this I mean that I often imagine how the mix will work, while I am going about my ablutions. I thought I’d clarify that, just in case you read that sentence and then thought that I intend to do a DJ set while in the shower or on the toilet. That’s not what I meant, but I guess there’s just no way of knowing how this venture might develop at a later stage.
I find that most of my ideas seem to come when I’m on the toilet. “Oh right, well that explains why you’re ideas are shit then. Get It? Shit – like the thing you do on the toilet, haha.” Yes I did get it, and you’re not funny, so shut up. Sorry, I’m doing that thing again where I hear the thoughts of one of my readers; if you’re a Dollop regular then you’ll be aware of this unusual gift/curse. I think that being in the shower or on the toilet is a good period of time for generating ideas, because the mind is allowed to daydream and wonder. After all, what else can you do in the shower, except wash yourself? Yes yes, I hear your disgusting thoughts, but I am not entertaining such base-level humour; you know what I mean. Showering and toileting provide an opportunity of down-time for the brain.
Sometimes I find myself sitting on the toilet for hours. Often I haven’t even had a poo, I’m just sitting there thinking, lost in a daydream. I always sit down to go to the toilet, even just for a wee. Sorry if this is making you feel a bit uncomfortable, or if you have the kind of brain that always has to form images of the things you read, and so you are now imagining me sitting on the toilet, possibly even having a poo. Whatever you do, I urge you, don’t think about me sitting on the toilet having a poo. What are you doing? I said don’t think about it. What do you mean you can’t help it? I mean, to be honest, I expected this kind of thing from Chloe, but the rest of you …
Anyway, for the rest of you who aren’t imagining me pooing, I know what you’re thinking: “Come on David, you can’t tease us with a comment like, “ I always sit down to go to the toilet, even just for a wee,” and then leave us hanging like this, desperate to hear more, while you prevaricate by trying to get us to imagine you having a poo.” I take your point, so enough of the poo-prevarications , let’s get to the heart of the matter and find out my reason for always sitting down for the toilet.
Urinals, incidentally, are the exception to this rule. Urinals are at a good height for weeing, because I can see what I am aiming for, whereas toilet bowls are too low down for my line of vision, therefore I always sit down at home or in other people’s homes when using the toilet.
So now you know that if I come to your home and use the toilet, I will inevitably sit down, perhaps you can use this knowledge to earn you some money. I don’t want to blow my trumpet – something which incidentally I also find a lot easier to do when sitting down rather than standing up, although I don’t want to brag (calm yourself Chloe) – but I think that there are some devoted Young’uns fans who would pay good money for a toilet seat that I have graced with my naked bottom. You could buy a toilet seat and attach it just before my visit, making sure that no one else uses it, and then immediately remove it once I’ve been to the toilet. I could also tell you what I was thinking about while I was on the toilet, which you could include in your Ebay description to give it even more value and boost the price further. “This is the toilet seat on which The Young’uns’ David Eagle sat on while coming up with the idea to mix the Unthanks with Death Metal.” Maybe this is something I should be doing for charity. Let me know if you work for a charity and are interested. Obviously I will need proof of your charitable credentials; I don’t want to just be satiating the appetites of a pervert, when my bottom could be put to more philanthropic purposes.
I think the fact that I sit on the toilet every time I use it means that I am more prone to falling into daydreams, and I will often find myself still sitting there after half an hour, unsure of whether I’ve actually had a wee or not. Sometimes I’ll get up from the toilet after a good half hour on there, flush it, wash my hands and then realise that I probably didn’t have a wee aftter all, and I actually still need to go. So I sit back down on the toilet, only to start daydreaming again, and the cycle repeats itself, until I become too sleepy or hungry. I’ve lost whole days to the toilet. It’s not as bad now that I’m living with other people, but when I was living alone it could get pretty bad.
But it’s not wasted time, because it’s on the toilet where I have my amazing ideas. In the future, when I am posthumously recognised as a creative genius, people will be writing self-help books on creativity and success, inspired by my method, with inspirational titles such as, “Sit On Your Throne And Become A Creativity King,” “Don’t Quit, Take a Shit,” “Working Your Way UP From The Bottom,” “Bums On seats For A Creativity Master-class,” “Living Your Life Backside First,” “Get Your Arse In Gear And Become a creative Genius.” Sadly I don’t have time to go to the toilet and think up some better ones, because I’ve got to be out in half an hour, but rest assured that half an hour on the toilet would yield at least another ten amazing loo-based success slogans.
Anyway, the point I was intending on making, before you distracted me and made me go on a massive sidetrack, was that I’ve run through this mix in my head so many times, generally while in the shower or on the toilet, that I am a bit worried that I might be stood in front of the audience at Folk East tomorrow night, hear the music and have some weird Pavlovian response to it. I might completely forget my actual surroundings and start removing my clothes, assuming that I’m at home and in the shower, or even worse, on the toilet. I am hoping to get the chance to have a practise sometime tomorrow to avoid such an occurrence.
I am looking forward to debuting The Young’uns In The Mix at Folk East. Maybe I’ll see you at the event, or if you can’t make it, or are just very lazy, then it’ll be up on The Young’uns Podcast and David Eagle’s Pick And Mix in a couple of weeks.