Today Sheffield Wednesday were playing at home. Despite having lived in the same house in Sheffield Since April 2015, today was the first time I heard the shouts and chants from the stadium carried on the wind. I couldn’t make out the individual chants, but it got me wondering what Sheffield Wednesday fans chant. Footbal clubs with United in the title, such as Wednesday rivals Sheffield United, will often shout “united, united!” This works well as a chant, as the word “united” is a strong word, a unifying word, a word that represents collective strength, singing with one voice, which is what these fans are doing. But shouting “Wednesday Wednesday!” over and over again doesn’t really have the same gravitas. You’re essentially just shouting a day of the week; and not even one of the good ones
I’ve just Googled ‘Sheffield Wednesday chants’, and it turns out that they actually do just shout Wednesday very enthusiastically.
They also do a version of hey Jude, only instead of singing “na nar nar nanrnarnarnar narnanrnarnar, hey Jude,” they’ve cleverly altered the lyrics to be, “nar nar nar narnarnarnar narnarnarnar, Wednesday!” You see what they did there?
I wonder how these chants become accepted and part of the fans’ collective repertoire. Presumably there must be times when someone tries out a chant, starts singing, optimistically hoping that it will catch on, but then it completely falls flat and fails to get anyone else joining in, and it just embarrassingly fizzles out, leaving the poor person who tried to instigate it feeling a bit awkward.
“We are the Wednesday, my friends, we’ll keep on fighting to the end, We are the Wednesday, We are the Wednesday, No time for Losers, Coz we are the … come on guys! No? Oh, OK. Er …”
If you came to Sheffield, having no idea about Sheffield Wednesday, you’d be rather freaked out to suddenly hear loads of voices on the wind all shouting “Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday,” especially if it wasn’t Wednesday, although it would be really weird even if it was. You’d also be pretty weirded out when you heard them sing that other classic, “Shoes Off If You Love Wednesday.” Why? Since when has anyone expressed their liking for something by taking their shoes off? Is this a recognised denotation of appreciation that I’ve somehow not picked up on? I once chatted to quite a nice girl, who at one point in the conversation mentioned that her feet were aching and so took off her shoes. Maybe this was just an excuse, and I missed an obvious sign, and we should be married with children now.
Sheffield Wednesday sing some crazy shit. For instance, Humpty Dumpty sang to the tune of the nineties pop song No Limit by 2Unlimited. There’s a song called You’ll Never Lick The Beaver. Another one called Mrs Halls Toffee Rolls. ” And, a song which rather aptly goes, “we’re Wednesday, We’re Barmy.” Too right you bloody are.
There’s also a chant that goes, “stand up if you hate the police.” The story behind this relates to the fact that the Police covered You’ll Never Lick A Beaver on one of their B-sides, and never paid royalties or gave credit to the Sheffield Wednesday fans. The Sheffield Wednesday fans have been furious with Sting and his cronies ever since.
“Hey guys, I’ve got another idea for a chant. I think this one is really going to capture the hearts and minds.”
“How many times mate, you’re chants are shit.”
“I thought We Are The Wednesday my friends was pretty good.”
“No, it was shit. Now piss off.”
“Hang on, let me just try this one out on you. It’s Madonna’s Holiday, only I thought we could change the word holiday for Wednesday. So it would go: Wednesday, Celebrate, Wednesday, cele …”
“It’s shit mate. Seriously, piss off. Right lads, now that idiot’s gone, how about singing this one? Let me know what you think. It’s called Mrs Hall’s Toffee Rolls.”
“Oh brilliant, I like it already.”
“I’m pretty proud of it. I can imagine this one spreading around the stadium like wildfire. It goes like this: Mrs Hall’s Toffee rolls are the best,
Mrs Hall’s Toffee rolls are the greatest,
She takes strawberry milk from the breast,
And her husband does the rest.”
These are the actual lyrics to Mrs Hall’s Toffee Rolls by the way.
“Oh my god mate, you’ve done it again. That’s fantastic! That’s even better than You’ll Never Lick The Beaver. And that’s saying something. We’re all going to be singing that one for years. You’re a musical genius. You want to get that copy righted before that bastard Sting rips you off again.”
I’ll leave you with the lyrics to another confusingly crazy Sheffield Wednesday song, Somebody’s Pissed In My sombrero.
Somebody’s pissed in my sombrero,
I told him you twat,
You pissed in my hat,
And he said I don’t fucking care-o…”
Ah, they don’t write them like that anymore.