The Canadian town of Calgary is a place clearly on the up. Never has there been so much excitement in this town. Not only does this weekend feature a massive folk festival with incredible international performers, but there is also a dog festival happening. In case you are unsure, we are playing the folk festival, not the dog festival, although if we’d have known, we could have built up a repertoire of dog-related songs and then offered our services to the dog festival, thus making our trip to Calgary even more lucrative.
There are loads of dog-related stalls, including a one selling dog hot tubs. I’m not sure how a dog hot tub differs from a human one. Surely there is no need for a different kind of hot tub, but perhaps I am wrong. There’s also the opportunity to pay five dollars to kiss a dog. This is apparently an endeavour to raise money for charity.
“so we just want to say thanks for agreeing to support our charity with your festival.”
“Oh it’s a pleasure, and we’ve got some very exciting news about what we’re going to do to raise you as much money as possible.”
“Oh great, go on.”
“Five dollars to kiss a dog.”
“What?! Are you joking?!”
“OK, I take your point. Maybe 5 dollars is a bit low for such an amazing prize. Maybe we should raise it to ten dollars.”
“Do you really seriously think that people will be scrambling to kiss a dog? I mean, normally people just do a raffle or a tombola.”
“She’s a very attractive dog. And I’m telling you from experience, she’s an incredible kisser. Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve taken a smooch with that pooch.”
At our gig, I asked the audience whether they had paid to kiss the dog, and no one said yes. So who are these people who are doing it?
I mean, everyone in the audience might be lying; it might be their guilty secret.
“Sit down dear, I’ve got some terrible news?”
“What is it dear?”
“This marriage has survived a lot, but what I’m about to tell you is pretty bad. I’m afraid we’re broke, completely broke.”
“How?! What have you done?!”
“Well, the finer details aren’t really important.”
“Have you been gambling again. You promised me you’d given it up?!”
“It’s not gambling dear.”
“Then what is it?”
“Well, it’s rather awkward. I don’t know what came over me.”
“What?! Is it the drink? Are you back on the drink? You’ve spent all the money on alcohol?!”
“No no, it’s not the drink. It’s hard to explain.”
“Well, er … well, you know that dog festival we went to?”
“Well, you know they had the opportunity to kiss a dog for five dollars.”
“Well, I kind of got a bit carried away.”
“I snook off when you were looking at the hot tubs, and I had a kiss with the dog. And then another. And another. Before I knew it I was paying on my credit card. And I just couldn’t stop.”
“I wondered where you went. So you’ve put us in a financial quagmire because you’ve been paying to get off with a dog? What are we going to tell the children. We’ll have to tell them you’ve blown it all on drugs. We can’t have them knowing the awful truth.”
The festival also has a hot dog stall. I know that hot dogs aren’t actually made from dog – well there’s a dodgy takeaway place in Hartlepool where they actually might be – but it seems a little odd to have all these dog friendly stalls, and then sell hot dogs.
We’re having a great time at Calgary festival. I’m referring to the dog festival; to be honest we’ve been enjoying the dog festival so much that we’ve not really managed to get to the folk festival. But our spots at the folk festival have been really enjoyable. People have been laughing a lot at what we’re saying, although I’m not sure whether this is because they find what we’re saying funny, or are just amused by our voices, because people keep coming up to us and saying things like: “you guys, your accents are hilarious. Everything you say just cracks me up.” If there are any standup comedians reading (probably to steal all my amazing jokes; if I get wind of anyone doing dog kissing material then I’ll be very angry) I’d suggest a good place to play is Calgary. It doesn’t matter how bad your jokes are, you’ll still get them laughing hysterically just at your English accent.
Anyway, must dash, we’re about to do a gig.