I was at a restaurant last night. One of the things on the menu was, Vegan Chicken Nuggets. This is a pretty confusing name for a meal. Putting the word “vegan” at the start suggests that the food is suitable for vegans.; but then adding the word “chicken” somewhat muddles things. Are these chicken nuggets suitable for vegans? Or are they in fact nuggets made from chickens who were fed on a vegan diet.?
Puzzled vegans reading this menu would no doubt then turn their attention to the description for the dish, hoping to get some clarity as to what the heck it actually is. However, in my opinion, the description does nothing to explain things but rather confuses things even more.
“Vegan Chicken Nuggets: you won’t believe it’s not chicken.”
What does that mean? That’s not saying that it isn’t chicken, is it? It’s just saying that you won’t believe that it’s not chicken. Maybe the reason you won’t believe it’s not chicken is because upon tasting it, it’s patently obvious that it is.
I’m very doubtful that many vegans would choose this meal, given the name and description. Even if it wasn’t chicken, it seems a bit weird, if you’re a vegan, to want to have the experience of eating a dead animal, but not actually eating a dead animal. “You won’t believe it’s not chicken”, is that meant to be a good thing? Surely the idea of eating a dead animal is abhorrent to the vegan? So why would they want to eat a meal that constantly puts them on edge, and makes them constantly question whether they really are eating a vegan substitute that tastes uncannily of chicken, or whether they have actually been given chicken by an unscrupulous restaurant? I imagine it would be pretty difficult to relax and enjoy the meal if all the while you are in constant disbelief about its veganness.
. Maybe just to blur things even further, the restaurant have chosen to form the nuggets into the shape of little chickens. Perhaps the plate has a photo of a battery farm on it, and maybe also has a sensor in it that emits the sound of clucking every time it detects a nugget being taken from the plate, meaning that the vegan diner is constantly recoiling at the thought of what they are eating, causing them to join the chicken in the borking. Maybe this is a meal designed for vegan masochists.
This same restaurant also does Vegan toad in the whole. “Vegan Toad In The Hole: you won’t believe it’s not real toad. That’s because it isn’t; it’s just very substandard pork sausage. You know, I really don’t think we’ve got the hang of this vegan lark. Talking of vegan larks, you should try our vegan game pie.”
I was tempted to order the vegan chicken nuggets in order to see how they were presented and what they were. I’m sure you’ll agree, that the fascinating nature of this topic completely justifies a special Dollop from the restaurant, in order to investigate this dish. Unfortunately I’m busy all tomorrow and then we’re heading to Canada for three weeks, so I’m afraid there’ll be a bit of a wait for the exciting sequel to today’s Dollop. In the meantime you’ll just have to make do with reading about my Canadian exploits, which clearly won’t be quite as exciting but still … I suppose the other option is that I could recruit Steven Mainprize or Michael Wackington (the Dollop’s budding detectives) and they could investigate on my behalf.