There might have been some of you worried that, given my failure to upload Dollop 184 until 11am the following day, I might abandon this challenge. However, I am not going to do a David Cameron, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, 80 % of labour MPs, Chris Evans and the food store Netto. Unlike they, I will not be quitting/resigning/leaving, so fear not.
OK, I’ll be honest, I was thinking about leaving the country, in order to focus my efforts on the Belgium comedy market, after I observed how much they loved my kettle material, but then I realised that with all this turmoil and upheaval going on, I have a duty to continue staying in Britain and Dolloping, lest this country be thrown into complete disarray and chaos. So I hope you appreciate what I’m doing for you; I am abandoning fame and fortune in Belgium in order to help Britain from sinking any further into the mire.
As well as my kettle material, the Belgian audience also responded well to my EU jokes, including my declaration that we weren’t accepting song requests, because we don’t have to take orders from Belgium any more. I suppose there was a chance that the audience might have taken it the wrong way, and we could have been booed and hissed off the stage, thus putting an end to our Belgium prospects, although, in fairness I’m sure I could have easily won them back with my kettle stuff; how could they stay mad at me once I’d wowed them with my kettles in the airport routine?
I think the next time we go to a country that speaks a different language, I will incorporate the idea of translating a funny story/anecdote into their native language and attempting to deliver it on stage. There is a chance that the comedy might transcend the poor Google translation and my terrible pronunciation, but even if it doesn’t, I think people will find the failed attempt pretty funny, so either way it should go down well. If you have a favourite Dollop that you think I should try, then feel free to let me know. I know naturally your first choice would be one of my kettle blogs, but I’m saving those for my worldwide kettle-based standup tour.
Prospective names for the tour: David Eagle’s Cometea Road Show, or Fancy A Brew-haha? I suppose these titles, as hilarious as they may be, are unlikely to translate into other languages; having said that, the word Brouhaha is a French one, so people in other countries might get the pun. I suppose I could always explain the joke in brackets, calling the show something like: “Fancy A Brew-haha, as in a play on the word brouhaha, which is a funny name for this show because “fancy a brew?” is something that people say when they’re asking someone if they want a cup of tea, and this show is all about kettles, hence the first element of the pun, but then also there’s the ‘haha’ bit, which is because this is a comedy show and ‘haha’ is the sound people make when they laugh, hence the second element of the pun, so that’s actually quite clever and funny isn’t it?”
I accept that this is quite a long title, and I probably won’t get all that printed on the souvenir mugs that I’ll be selling after the show, as it would cost me a fortune, but we could stick that on the poster, just to make sure people definitely get the joke. I know that some of you might be thinking that if I have to explain the joke in that much detail then it might dilute the impact of the joke quite a bit. Normally I’d agree with you on that front, but in this case, I think the joke is strong enough to still be hilarious in spite of that lengthy and detailed explanation of what the joke actually means.
OK, well I was intending to tell you some stories about our trip to Belgium, but then I got sidelined about kettles again, which let’s face it, is the main reason you read these things, so you’re not complaining. Tomorrow I’ll get around to telling you more about Belgium, and I still have to tell you my other homeless people story that I meant to tell you last week. With all this quality material in the offing, there’s no way I’ll be quitting. I am like Jeremy Corbyn: you can all dessert me, but I’ll still be here. Granted, Jeremy Corbyn is leading one of the country’s major political parties, campaigning for a fairer more equal Britain, whereas I am just blabbering on about my kettle to a few people online, but does that make my role any less credible or less important? Exactly. So fear not, I am not quitting.