I am writing today’s Dollop on a plane heading to Brussels. Just as you thought this week couldn’t get any weirder, I’ve been chosen to be the person who hands over article 50. No, obviously I’m being hilarious there; we’re actually playing a festival in Belgium this weekend. We’ve already had a few requests from some of the Belgian audience, but we won’t be doing any of them, as we don’t have to take orders from Brussels any more. And we’ll be doing all our Hartlepool songs, just to piss them off even more. I’ve also written a song comprising words from Farage’s speeches. Oh, it’s going to be a right laugh.
At the airport, an announcement came over the PA telling us to have all large electronic items ready for inspection. She then gave a few examples of things that this applied to, including laptops, notebooks, tablets, mobile phones. But then right at the end, she said, “and kettles.” Kettles? Why specifically kettles?
How many people are coming to airports and bringing their kettle with them? And it didn’t sound like she was making a bit of a joke. The announcement was very serious sounding, and it was one of those automated voices, rather than a live announcement, meaning that someone had to have written this list down and given it to someone to read, knowing that it would be repeated throughout the airport time and time again. I’d have thought that when the person was writing the list out for the voice over lady, they might have written the word ‘kettles,’ and then thought, “hang on, kettles? Is that really necessary. I mean, this voice over woman is going to be paid by the word. Is ‘kettles’ really necessary?” Did they write down a list of loads of other domestic appliances, such as toasters, microwaves, blenders, bread makers, and then think: “hmm, this list is going on a bit now. By the time this announcement has finished playing out, most people who heard the start of it won’t be in the airport any more; they’ll have got off the plane and arrived at their destination. Hmm, I think I should probably whittle this list down a bit. OK, I’ll get rid of a load, but obviously I’m keeping kettles.”
I think the inclusion of kettles on the list serves to add more confusion than clarity. I’ll hazard a guess that the vast majority of people going through an airport will not be bringing a kettle with them. Have any of you reading this (hello by the way, hope you’re enjoying this, sorry if it’s a bit rubbish, I’m finding it hard to concentrate as I’ve got Michael and Sean chuntering in my ears). But, have any of you reading this ever brought a kettle through an airport? And if so, why? Do you not trust foreign kettles? Are you a kettle xenophobe?
But I would argue that all the mention of kettles does is add unnecessary confusion, because if there are people with toasters, microwaves or blenders, surely they will now just assume that they are absolutely fine to keep those items in their luggage and not check them in separately, thus causing extra hold ups. Surely by signalling out kettles above all other domestic appliances, then you are tacitly intimating that kettles are the exception to the rule, and that all other domestic appliances are fine.
And what’s the big worry with kettles? Not being a terrorist and not wanting to cause harm to other people, I’ve never really thought about the kind of evil that could be exacted with a kettle. I’d have assumed though that a toaster or a blender or a microwave could hold a similar potential as a weapon? If there are any terrorists reading this then feel free to leave a comment. Don’t worry, there is an option to leave a comment anonymously.
Maybe the airport staff knew that I was in the airport, and made the kettle announcement as a sort of tribute to me, given that I’ve already written a few blogs about kettles in these Dollops so far. Either way, it’s nice to finally read another blog about kettles isn’t it?
Let’s just hope that there isn’t a kettle-based terrorist attack in the next few days, otherwise I’m going to feel pretty bad about this Dollop. If there are any terrorists reading this, then please avoid any kettle-based atrocities. If you’ve enjoyed these Dollops then it’s the least you can do to say thanks. Maybe use a toaster or a blender instead, thus proving my point. Cheers.