David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 161 – A Warning For Wardens

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Firstly, a correction regarding yesterday’s Dollop: the Johnny Cash song I was referring to was of course Folsom Prison Blues, not I Heard That Lonesome Whistle, although both of those songs are about jail, and both of them refer to whistles, hence my confusion. I thought I better clarify that, because obviously I take journalistic accuracy very seriously in these Dollops, as you regular Dollop readers will attest. I challenge you to find a crumb of fabrication or inaccuracy in these Dollops. Go on, you can look but you won’t find it.

Today, The Young’uns went to prison. I know we’ve never revealed this before, but the real reason we’re in a folk band is because eleven years ago, we committed a spate of petty crimes, and were given a choice of two sentences by a radical judge who presided over our case: either to spend a year in prison, or do five years community service, performing as a folk band. But then, mere months later, our sentence was significantly increased, due to us being charged with murder. We didn’t actually kill anyone, but we were charged for massacring hundreds of traditional folk songs, and were thus sentenced to serve another ten years community service, performing in a folk band. This is basically the real reason The Young’uns began singing folk songs together.

We were meant to keep all this quiet, which is why we haven’t mentioned anything before, but we went to prison today to have our review, and we were told that we were finally allowed to disclose the truth. Given that, as I earlier intimated, these Dollops are a bastion of truth, I think it’s fitting that I should reveal this news on David’s daily Digital Dollop. In fact, the only reason I’m doing this daily blogging project is because I have to report my whereabouts and my activities to the authorities on a daily basis. This blog is basically a way of facilitating that, and means I don’t have to pop back into prison everyday to show my face. I just got a bit carried away with the whole blogging thing, which was simply meant to be a brief and basic diary of my daily activities, purely for the benefit of the prison wardens. But I thought I’d spice it up a bit and throw in a few jokes. I thought the wardens might appreciate it, as it can get a bit dull looking after a jail, especially on a boring none-rioting day. I also decided to make the blog public. That’s because I am an egomaniac.

While we were in the prison, we also had a chat with the governer about possibly doing something with the prisoners. Apparently there are quite a few people serving sentences who have become keen songwriters since they went inside. In fact, while we were there, we heard a song that one of the prisoners had written. He strummed a guitar and sang a song all about his fellow inmates. The prisoners found the verses hilarious, and laughed heartily at what seemed to be good natured fun-poking at his fellow prisoners. I was a little bit tense, nervously waiting for the one line about one of the prisoners that someone takes a disliking to, which might instigate a full-scale brawl, but fortunately, everyone seemed to enjoy their names being mentioned in a song , and laughed along and the playful micky taking.

It also crossed my mind that this might not simply be the harmless, fun song that it appeared to be on the surface, and that the staff all believed it was. It might in fact be a highly complex and elaborate secret form of communication between the prisoners. Perhaps the songwriter was communicating a coded message to his fellow inmates, and rather than the song consisting of funny jibes about his fellow prisoners, it was actually a coded message , detailing an escape plan. That would explain why he was naming prisoners individually; he was giving them instructions. One of the lines was something like, “now let me tell you about tubby Tim, he works out all day but he never gets slim.” Maybe this isn’t merely a little joke at prisoner Tim’s expense, but is instead a message to Tim, detailing his part in the great escape plan. Maybe, “he works out everyday,” isn’t simply a joke about Tim trying to lose wait by exercising everyday, but is actually a coded message instructing Tim that he should dig a tunnel, hence the line, “he works out everyday.” He’s being told to slowly but surely, day by day, work his way out of the prison by digging a tunnel to the outside. It all makes perfect sense now. Let’s just hope the prison wardens read this Dollop in time to thwart the escape attempt. Yet another example of how this Dollop is providing a public service.

I need to get this dollop released immediately. If there’s more typos and spelling mistakes than usual, it’s because I’m in a rush to get this Dollop released, before all hell breaks loose. Let’s just hope I’m not too late!

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2 thoughts on “David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 161 – A Warning For Wardens

  1. Very clever stuff. So, the next time I see you I’ll be expecting, instead of some assorted sea shanties, some hard-hitting prison songs.
    Keep up your community service

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