Another annoying thing about winning a BBC Radio 2 Folk Award – on top of the fact that it results in a poor quality Dollop the following day due to tiredness after partying – is that it leads to some really bland and uninspiring interviews. In the pre Folk Award days, we would be asked interesting questions that could generate stories and entertaining answers, but now that we’ve won the Folk Award, most journalists or radio presenters will immediately pluck for, “so how does it feel to win the Best Group prize at the BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards?” And what is there to say in response to that? It was great, fantastic, brilliant, excellent … I find myself just reeling off loads of superlatives and adjectives that all essentially say the same thing. Because, really, what else is their to say?
Recently I did an interview with someone who asked me this question. I responded with my usual selection of superlatives, there was a pause, and then she asked, “and then you won it again, for the second year running. How did that feel?” Again, what can I say that is interesting, other than just think up some more positive adjectives.
After I’d tried to come up with as interesting an answer as I could about winning for the second year running, she then proceeded to read a list of other awards that we’d won, and then asked me how it felt to win those. I’d completely exhausted my superlatives supplies, plus what did she expect me to say, other than what I’d said in answer to the last two, more or less identical questions? I thought about making a joke about the fact that one of the frustrating things about winning all these awards is that it then leads to really dull interviews where I have to essentially bore everyone about how it felt winning the award. In fact, people will probably get so sick of me blabbering on about the award that they’ll start hating The Young’uns, complaining that all we ever talk about nowadays is the bloody awards. I also thought about making a joke that at least she’d stopped short of naming all the awards individually and then asking me to comment on how it felt to win each one. But I thought that this might make me come across as a bit brash and up-myself, so I just repeated some of my earlier list of superlatives, knowing that I was almost certainly irritating and boring everyone listening.
Perhaps the real reason the Folk Awards voters have given us the award twice in a row is because they actually hate us, and think that the best way of getting us off the folk scene is to keep giving us awards, in the knowledge that it will then result in us having to talk about the awards non-stop on the radio to journalists and presenters, and thus eventually lead to everyone getting bored and pissed off with us. Oh yes, Folk Awards judges, I am onto you, I know your game. You are truly evil bastards!
We got a message on Facebook this week from someone saying: “Loved what you said at folk awards so much I’ve had it tattooed on my chest.” Not being able to see the photo, I had no idea what it was. Had he tattooed the entire speech on his chest? I mean, that would have to be a big chest, plus it would be pretty expensive; we spoke for over two minutes. In actuality, that it was a line from Sean: “Folk could easily be translated into one word, and that word is welcome.”
While I am thrilled that someone has been so moved by those words that they have it tattooed on their chest, I am a little aggrieved that I have written over 100000 words so far with these Dollops, and yet no one has found a sentence from all of that content that has inspired them to have some of my wise words tattooed on their body. I think a good one would be “I wouldn’t imagine it would taste very nice.” Where you have it tattooed is down to you, although, clearly for extra hilarity, you should have it on your genitals. Then, if you happened to meet a fellow Dollop fan who you were attracted to, you could use the Dollop-based tattoo as a way in, helping you take things to the next level.
“I actually love the Dollops so much, I got one of David’s hilarious catchphrases as a tattoo.”
“Really? Wow! Can I see.”
You would then have essentially been given permission to pull down your pants, and you don’t have to feel awkward about it, because they asked you to show it to them. Then, when your love interest saw your genitals emblazoned with the words “I wouldn’t imagine it would taste very nice,” they would obviously find it hilarious, but also potentially arousing. You could then both have a bit of a giggle about it, before you said something like, “I mean there’s only one way to find out.”
“What?” your love interest would reply.
“Whether it tastes very nice or not. There’s only one way to find out.”
You would both continue to nervously laugh at the absurdity of this situation, but it wouldn’t be long before you seduced them into giving you oral sex.
Et Voila, a Dollop-based sex tip for you there.
If you’re a man, you could get a tattoo on your testicles reading, “David’s Daily Digital Bollock.” Obviously it might be quite painful to get your testicles tattooed. It would require a hardcore Dollop fan, and it would certainly require some balls. Hahaha! I am so funny. Come on, I am well worth a tattoo.
I’ll try and get the photo added to tomorrow’s Dollop. I mean, the photo of the chest tattoo; I don’t have any photos of genital tattoos yet, but when I do …