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Well, I went out with Sean last night, and there didn’t seem to be any suggestion that he was getting cold feet. So it looks like the wedding is still on, meaning that I am having to quickly type up this Dollop before leaving for the registry office.

I had a quick look on Twitter for inspiration, and discovered that one of my friends has cut open his thumb. This particular person is one of these people who seems compelled to constantly broadcast the minutiae of his life. Unlike me, he doesn’t have the decency to package it in one easy to manage daily blog, but instead opts to constantly tweet throughout the day. So obsessed is this person with keeping us up-to-date with every bit of ephemeral detail of his life, that it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d literally just cut his thumb open, and then immediately took to Twitter. I think this person has reached the point where he has a thought and then feels compelled to instantly broadcast that thought to his friends. Where as most people would cut their thumb open and get a plaster, his first thought was more likely to have been, “ow, damn, I’ve cut my thumb open, it’s bleeding. Best tweet about it and then get a plaster.”

The tweet read: “just cut my thumb open while gardening. Ow!”

I like the fact that he included, “ow” at the end. I imagine him writing this tweet, blood drenching the phone screen. He’s just about to press the tweet button before he passes out with the pain, but then he has the “ow” idea. His bloody thumb hovers over the tweet button. He can barely move it, yet he valiantly adds those additional two letters. He can feel himself keeling over due to the pain and loss of blood, yet he still bravely soldiers on, and adds the exclamation mark. He begins to faint and falls to the floor. He can’t move his thumb, it has been rendered immobile, But he just manages to hit the tweet button with his nose, before he hits the floor and passes out. Honestly, this person is such an obsessive tweeter, that it wouldn’t surprise me if that actually happened.

This is the kind of person who will tweet every meal he has had. I have never felt compelled to tweet about that sort of thing, although, admittedly, I did bore my friends rigid when I discovered almond milk. I remember calling up my girlfriend and passionately telling her about how I’d discovered almond milk. I don’t rmember anything else about our conversation. To be honest, I wasn’t really listening to her, as I was too excited by the almond milk discovery. I then remember her calling me later that day, and the first thing I did was to tell her that I’d discovered almond milk and how amazing it was. I was so excited about it that I’d forgotten that I’d already bored her with that particular topic earlier that day. She tried to interrupt several times to tell me that I’d already told her, but I was too caught up in my own world of effusively enthusing about almond milk. Now I think about it, I reckon that the almond milk episode might have been one of the moments that made her seriously evaluate what the hell she was doing in a relationship with me. We did break up shortly after this. If only I hadn’t talked about almond milk so much then things might have been so different. Although, in fairness, sleeping with her best friend probably didn’t help either. Anyway, I think, if there’s anything that you should take away from this story, it’s that almond milk is amazing; you should try it.

Interesting that he should mention that the thumb injury was caused by gardening. I wonder whether it is in anyway linked to the fact that it’s World Naked Gardening Day today. This is only something I’m aware of because of a message I received from regular Dollop contributor Katherine, who wrote: “I have a potential subject for tomorrow’s dollop – given that you are not going to have much time to think of anything. I have just come in from doing a spot of gardening in the warm Spring sunshine to discover that tomorrow is World Naked Gardening Day. I am still considering whether or not to take part. To date, I have a good relationship with my neighbours. And I’m concerned about potential skin hazards. So there you are – a challenge, and a way to get out all those un-family-friendly jokes before you make your Best Man’s Speech!”

Thanks for that Katherine, and thanks for adding a hundred words or so to today’s Dollop. You know, I might make the registry office on time after all.

Perhaps the thumb injury was caused by him becoming distracted by his naked neighbours. Maybe he didn’t realise it was World Naked Gardening day, and so, startled by the nudeness all around him, he lost concentration and sliced his thumb open. Or maybe he was taking in part in World Naked Gardening Day, in which case he should count himself lucky that it was only his thumb that he sliced. There might be a few worse gardening injuries than that taking place today.

Must dash, there’s a wedding about to start. Maybe I should have spent this morning thinking up a best man’s speech, rather than writing about naked gardening and almond milk. It’s OK, I’ll think of something during the ceremony. It’s not like I really need to pay much attention. It’ll be the usual “I take you to be my lawful wedded husband,” “I do” shtick. I’ll think of something while all that’s going on. I am a great best man. I’m sure the happy couple are going to love my gift. Who wouldn’t appreciate almond milk?

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