David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 127 – The Night Before

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Today is The Young’uns’ very own Sean Cooney’s last day as an unmarried man; well, hopefully. I’ve been asked to be best man twice before, and both of those weddings never happened. Sean is aware of this,but still, The prospect of me being cursed as a best man was not enough to deter Sean from wanting me as best man. Fortunately, Sean had the idea of attempting to dilute the curse by asking fellow Young’un, Michael Hughes, to be best man as well. I suppose this was also a good move in terms of band politics. However, I am not the kind of person to get all high and mighty about this, and I will let Michael harbour the notion that he has been asked on merit, although, deep down he must know the truth.

One of my duties as best man is to make a speech. I haven’t planned or written anything; to be honest, I’m relying on Michael to do that bit, as if you’ve ever seen us perform live, you’ll know that once Michael gets going … I’d like to think that I no Sean pretty well and, given that I spend over half my life with him, I should be able to come up with a couple of stories.

I don’t think Sean will have any problem adapting to marriage. After all, he has managed to spend half of his life in the company of me and Michael. I’m sure marriage will be a picnic in comparison. It’ll be very similar, only he’ll be in the company of someone he actually doesn’t mind having sex with; whereas with me and Michael it takes him at least three pints before he’s interested in us.

If Sean is reading this, fear not, I will not be saying that in my speech It will be a family friendly speech, given that there will be children present. I will therefore be avoiding some of the more salacious stories. I’ll save all that for the book.

The last time I did a speech was last week at the BBC radio 2 Folk Awards. I wonder whether someone will follow the example of the Folk Awards audience, and shout out something Dollop-related for this speech. Maybe someone will shout “pissing dog-lady,” and I can say, “that’s no way to talk about the bride.” Or maybe, just before the wedding cake is served, someone could shout, “I wouldn’t imagine it would taste very nice?” I know that Sean was hoping for a David’s Daily Digital Dollop themed wedding, but his partner wasn’t so keen. I think she was a bit concerned that it would make Michael feel a bit left out. I mean, he’s already having to bravely soldier on with the day knowing that he’s only there out of tokenism and to counter a probably non-existent curse. He could do without having the extra insult of my popularity and genius being rubbed in his face, as people shout out my various hilarious Dollop catchphrases. If there’s anyone reading this though who wants to book a Dollop themed wedding, then get in touch with me, and we’ll discuss the best package based on your budget.

I’m probably going to have to write tomorrow’s Dollop first thing in the morning before setting off for the wedding, as the wedding celebrations will be lasting all day. I’m not saying I want something to go wrong with the wedding, but at least it would mean that I’d have something interesting to write about, and also I’d have the time to write about it, because there wouldn’t be a wedding happening. But I think it would be reckless of me to turn up at the wedding having not done that day’s Dollop, only for the wedding to take place, leaving me with the very tough decision of whether to let the 366 daily blogs challenge fail, or to quickly go home, type up that day’s Dollop, and then leg it back to the wedding again, and hope that no one notices. It’s not like I’ll be missed. I mean there are two best men for goodness sake, so I’m sure Michael can manage on his own for a couple of hours.

So I’ll have to do the Dollop before the wedding, which means that you’ll have to wait until Sunday to find out whether the marriage took place, unless something happens tonight. What suspense.

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