David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 109 – Tying The Knot, With spaghetti

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As well as stories from on tour, hilarious anecdotes about domestic appliances, and campaigns to impregnate eighteen-year-old Hartlepool-based girls, David’s Daily Digital Dollop is also your portal for news relating to the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, a new brand of religion that is growing in popularity. This week saw the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster conduct its first legally recognised wedding in the UK. The fact that the news articles state “first legally recognised wedding ceremony,” it suggests that the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster have previously been carrying out none-legally recognised wedding ceremonies, and I wonder whether, now that they have got legal approval, they have abandoned the none-legally recognised option. I hope they haven’t. I think it would be quite fun to have a Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster wedding ceremony – the first one was onboard a pirate ship, which is much more fun than a church or registery office – without having to worry about actually being wed to anyone.

Also, I could maybe dupe some hapless girl into thinking that it’s a none-legally recognised wedding ceremony we’re having, when in fact it’s actually a real, legally valid marriage. I’d convince her that we should do the fake one for a bit of fun, and she’d agree in a spirit of joie de vivre, none-the-wiser to her true fate. I might try this on the next girl I fancy. If you blog readers could keep this to yourselves, as I don’t want word getting out and ruining my master plan. In return for your silence on this matter, I will reward you by podcasting the entire wedding ceremony; not the wedding night though, sorry Chloe.

I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t let on to Sean about the news that the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster has started doing legally recognised weddings. He has already booked his wedding, and he would be massively disappointed to note that if he’d just held out a little longer, he could be having a Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster wedding ceremony onboard a pirate ship. I dare not tell him, lest he should cancel his already booked wedding ceremony. I really don’t want to have to go to another wedding fair and try and pretend I know about flowers and table decorations again; although, having said that, I imagine a Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster wedding fair would be a lot more exciting than a boring normal one. Presumably us lads would also go out on a spag party the night before. It would be much more fun. Damn Sean and his impulsiveness.

Fear not Young’uns Podcast fans, our two Sheffield gigs yesterday were really good and so I’ve got loads of material for you. For the afternoon gig, we invited some people from the Asylum seekers’ charity Assist to come and do a brief talk to the audience during our gig, and also to do a raffle to raise money for the charity. It was uplifting to note that the asylum seekers who came along to the gig were clearly enjoying the performance, properly belly-laughing at the jokes and having a good time. The principle point of them being there was so that they could speak about their experiences as asylum seekers and spread the word about the charity, but the fact that they stayed for the entirety of the gig and were laughing along and having a really good time with everyone else was really gratifying. It’s another visible reminder that we are all essentially just the same, only our circumstances are so vastly different. This small group of people had come to our gig, laughed heartily along and really enjoyed it, despite the fact that they had come from a place, unimaginably starker to ours, with the fear of having to go back looming over them. No, I’m not talking about the asylum seekers any more, I’m referring to the party of people who travelled to see us from Hull.

Might that be the cheapest and the most obvious and worst joke of David’s daily Digital Dollop thus-far? Sorry, but I felt that the Dollop was running a bit light on jokes, so I just shoehorned something in. In my defence, I’ve been up for quite awhile, haven’t had much sleep on this tour, and am currently in the van, desperate for the toilet and feeling very hungry, having had nothing to eat yet. We are heading to a school in Shrewsbury for our next community event, before we head to tonight’s gig, also in Shrewsbury.

We are pulling up to school now so I am going to have to leave this Dollop here. Perhaps I’ll have time to write a bit more and make this Dollop a little more interesting than it has been so far. Something might happen in the school that I can comment on, after all, children say the funniest things, apparently, although you’ll notice that none of the best comedians are under sixteen, so I’m not sure how much stock we can really put in that statement.

OK, just got back in the van after our school event, but sadly none of the children said anything amusing that would warrant inclusion in this Dollop. We give up our time for free and go into their school, and yet they can’t even give something back and come up with a joke for my blog, the ungrateful bastards. I had a conversation with one child who I thought had comic potential, but he just advised me to make a derogatory remark about Hull. But I told him I’d already resorted to that, and sadly he couldn’t come up with anything else.

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2 thoughts on “David’s Daily Digital Dollop: Dollop 109 – Tying The Knot, With spaghetti

  1. Oh David. Too many gigs and what ever you boys get up too, when your away. Unless your planning a tour to New Zealand, there is no chance that young Sean is going to get married by the CoFSM. But is does give me a chance to tell my best pirate joke. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

    • Suddenly my joke about Hull doesn’t seem so bad ☺️
      I did write a reply to your last comment by the way, but it didn’t send, thanks to the Edinburgh Pleasance Theatre’s shoddy Internet.

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