I was walking down the street a few days ago, and a man (who clearly had a speech impediment) shouted across to me. “Oy! David Eagle! You’re a complete and utter ranker!” I had no idea what this speech impaired man could possibly be talking about, however today it has become clear what he must have meant. Last week, I was interested to see how my lack of blogging over recent weeks had affected my ranking in Google search. I was disappointed to note that I had drifted way off the top ten results to about number 20. It seemed as if, in my absence, other David Eagles had suddenly started to emerge. I cursed myself. Obviously I couldn’t afford to be complacent. In my blogging absence, it may have been the case that other David Eagles had all received good fortune – perhaps promotion in work or newly found celebrity status, propelling them higher up the Google search results table. I began to spiral into depression. I started taking drugs, sleeping with men and eating my own hair, but not even that could cheer me up. To think, I had lost my girlfriend, and now I discover I’ve plummeted down the Google search results. If only Shakespeare was still alive; he’d right a tragedy about this. But then today it all changed.
I typed David Eagle (that’s me by the way, in case you somehow hadn’t gathered that by now) into Google, and couldn’t believe my eyes – well my eyes have lied to me in the past and now I have trust issues. I’m seeing a therapist about it. They’re also sorting out the hair-eating thing too. Upon typing my name into Google, I discovered that not only was I back in the top ten, but was top of the list. I don’t know what happened. Perhaps I’ve suddenly acquired much more interest from people and am suddenly more popular. A more probable explanation is that all the other David EAgles in the world have suffered terrible misfortune – being sacked from their work, and ignored by the media spotlight. Perhaps there was a David Eagle convention organized, and all the high-ranking, successful David Eagles all attended. Perhaps they went abroad on holiday together and the plane crashed down and they were all killed. Maybe there’s an error with Google and by the time I’ve posted this blog I’m back at number 20 where I belong.
I’ve not checked any of the other search engines yet, but if MSN, Yahoo and the various other search engines want to maintain any credibility in the search engine world, then I suggest they make sure that I am number one on the David Eagle search results list. Bill gates, if you’re reading, heed my words.
So as my friend with the speech impediment so rightly pointed out, David Eagle is a complete and utter ranker. Number one! Here are the top ten results as they stand currently.
10: Some vicar.
9 A chamber music composer, who used to be number one all the time until I got in on the scene and started posting up material on the internet. He really must hate me. Hah!
8: My myspace radio page.
7: Some business director.
6 some random David Eagle from Wales. How does it feel to have your Ares whupped by an Englishman?
5 Some random blogger. A pretender to the throne.
4 Another radio presenter apparently. Perhaps he’s a tribute act for the real David Eagle. I’ll have to give him a listen. I bet he’s stealing my ideas, and presenting them as his own to the American audience. Damn him!
3 That business director is back again. Keep trying mate. Two words. Credit Crunch. Everyone knows that business is doomed.
2: The chamber music composer is back again. close but no cigar my friend, because there’s a new man – sorry Eagle – in town.
And at number one, it’s meeeeeeeee!
Right, I think I’ve milked this as much as I possibly can. The irony is that by posting this to the internet, I’ve increased the likelihood of getting more hits, meaning I’ll stand a good chance of staying at number one. I’m like ‘The Beatles’. All I need to do is release some more material and I’ll knock everyone else in the charts into oblivion – unless Vera Lynn happens to be around, but you get my point.
In other news, I’ve finally started tinkering with the Holland documentary. If anyone knows anything about the radio production world, then you’ll know how important the tinkering element is to making an award-winning documentary. Once the tinkering is finished I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I’d like to thank you all for making me number one. Don’t worry, I promise not to sell out. But if you would like to buy some ‘David Eagle: The Radio Experience’ T Shirts, mugs or table coasters then that would be great.