Never mind knowing your onions. This blog post is about a person who concerns him/herself with knowing their apples. Although this statement is not entirely accurate, because this person is not interested with apples universally – oh no. They do not give a damn about Granny Smiths, nor are they concerned with the pedestrian golden delicious. They are not remotely interested in the mundane Braeburn. Oh no my friends. This person is enthused purely by one particular type of apple; an apple that until last week, I had never even heard of. This person is all about … the jazz apple!
“What is a jazz apple?” I hear you cry; or at least I think that was you. That was the very same question that I found myself positing just the other day. For I too was once like you, ignorant to this particular fruit. But now I’m one of the enlightened. And if you stick with me over these next few paragraphs, you too shall share this knowledge. Or you could just Google it I suppose, and save yourself a few minutes having to read the rest of this blog. But before you make such a rash move, let me alert you to the fact that this blog post also contains content of a pornographic nature. That’s right, I have called this blog post “Twitter Gets Fruity” not only because I am writing about apples, but also because I will be writing about porn stars.
Ahh, yes, I thought you might still be here.
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I had joined Twitter. You can follow me if you like: @the Davideagle. Follow me, and join over 50 other enlightened people. The trouble is, when you find yourself being followed by over 50 people, you bare a great degree of responsibility. Obviously I don’t want to let my followers down. I need to write tweets that will inspire, enrich, enlighten and enthuse. I can’t just write any old drivel; it has to be specially considered drivel. And this is an example of that specially considered drivel. This is what you are missing out on if you don’t follow me on Twitter; although I suppose you’re not missing out on it because I’m now going to include the tweet in this blog.
“Just doing an online shop. What on earth are jazz apples?”
The question had been posed, but none of my followers had an answer, and that night I went to bed ignorant about the jazz apple. But that night was to be my final night of jazz apple ignorance, because tomorrow was going to bring me an answer. Perhaps you might like to revisit this blog post tomorrow, and savour your last night of jazz apple ignorance. Trust me; your life will never be the same again. It will be much more bland.
The next day I went on Twitter and was surprised to find a tweet from someone by the name of Jazz Apples. The tweet contained the answer to my question. “Jazz is natural cross between a Garler and a Bribern. How did you like it?”
I was taken aback. Not only had I received an answer to my jazz apple question, I had received the information from someone with the name Jazz Apples. I assumed at first that it must be a friend playing a joke, but when I went on to Jazz Apple’s Twitter page, it became apparent that this person was a genuine Jazz Apple enthusiast. Jazz Apples had posted a multitude of Tweets going back months, each and every one of them about Jazz apples. For instance: “apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning”, and, “Say no to candy. The natural sugars in jazz apples will give you the energy you need to get you through the 3pm slump”, and, “A jazz apple butter and plane cream cheese on warm French bread. Seriously you need to try it”. This person had managed to clock up over 4600 tweets, all about jazz apples. There was no way this could be a friend playing a joke. This was the real deal. My jazz apple related question had been answered by none other than Jazz Apples him/herself. This was truly an honour.
I responded to Jazz Apples immediately. It would have been rude to have done otherwise. I wouldn’t want him/her to feel snubbed. “Never snub an apple enthusiast”; that’s what my mother used to say to me. She was on powerful medical drugs at the time, but still … Plus, Jazz Apples had over a thousand followers, and I only had about 50, so I didn’t fancy my chances if it came to a fight.
“Hi Mr/Mrs Apples, or can I call you jazz? Thanks for the info. Good to know there are people like you out there primed and ready to answer any jazz apple based questions. Sadly Tesco had run out of jazz apples. Probably because jazz apple geeks like you buy them up in bulk. Watch this space though”.
It appears that Jazz Apples is not simply an apple nerd, he/she grows and sells jazz apples and uses Twitter as a promotional tool. You can do searches for certain keywords , and so this person presumably regularly searches Twitter for the phrase “jazz apples” as part of promoting their jazz apple business. Perhaps I should do the same for Eskimo Kiss or nose rubbing. Then someone like me, new to Twitter, will become very surprised when they get a response from a random man about something they posted on Twitter for their handful of followers to read.
“OKAY, enough of this jazz apples nonsense David, you promised us porn”. Indeed I did.
My friend has also recently signed up for Twitter, and was rather taken aback to discover that he was being followed by a porn star called Lakisha Shaulis, at I-Want-Cock67.info. This porn star presumably isn’t doing too well with their career; given their ratio of followers to people they’re following. Lakisha at I-Want-Cock67.info is following 1525 people, but, perhaps tellingly, she only has 284 followers. This suggests that she wants cock more than other people would like her to have it, which is sort of contrary to the concept of porn really.
Lakisha’s tweets are also a bit out of sync with what you might expect a porn star to be writing about. There is rarely a mention of sex or cocks. Instead she opts to write ephemeral quotes like: “Here is the test to find out whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re a live, it isn’t”; “A lament in one ear, but always a song in the other”. Yes, very good Lakisha, but what about those cocks? “; Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope”. Yes, very kitsch Lakisha, but seriously, what’s that got to do with you being a porn star and wanting cock? “I think some how we learn who we really are and then live with that decision”. Yes Lakisha, and you apparently made the decision to be a porn star, but you don’t seem to be doing too well at living with that decision. If you want to go into life coaching then that’s great, but I think a rebranding exercise is a definite must. For a start I-Want-Cock67.info is probably not going to help if you want to be taken seriously in the life coaching world. I’m all for people finding their special niche, but I’m not sure if cocks and life coaching really go well together.
My favourite quote from Lakisha is: “it’s not taking things up that makes you rich, it’s giving things up”. This is somewhat ironic for someone who’s meant to be making a living from “taking things up”.
Like me, my friend is also blind, and so I can’t tell you whether Lakisha’s picture is particularly appealing, although her paucity of followers seems to suggest not. Feel free to have a look though. If anyone catches you looking then just say it’s supplementary reading for my blog post. They’ll understand. Or you could just say she’s a life coach, and you’re interested in her unorthodox approach to life coaching.
Well, I’ve probably lost half my audience now to I-Want-Cock67.info so I might as well leave this post here.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. If you haven’t sent me your nose rubbing video yet, then why not? No, stop talking, I don’t want to hear your excuses. Get to it. Email them to firstname.lastname@example.org
Perhaps I can get Lakisha to send one in. I’ll have to specify to her though that it is strictly noses that I want to see.
Well wasn’t that a great blog post? Combining cock hungry porn stars with Fruit based trivia. Come on Radio 4! What are you waiting for?